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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13620)	2/28/2000 5:19:00 PM
From: John Carragher	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62552

How Many Big Ten Students Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? >At Michigan, it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to explain >how they did it every bit as well as an ivy league school. >At Northwestern, it takes four. One to change the bulb, two to place bets on >how long it will take, and one to run the book. >At Michigan State, it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to >figure out how to get high from it. >At Ohio State, it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Woody >would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Michigan students. >At Wisconsin, it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and two >to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion. >At Illinois, it takes seven, and each one gets four semester credit hours >for it. >At Indiana, it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how >much brighter it burns during basketball season. >At Minnesota, it takes twelve. Two to figure out how to screw it in, and ten >to find a lampshade ugly enough to match the school colors. >At Penn State, it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they did >it better than the rest of the Big Ten, and 50 to realize it's all a lie. >At Purdue, it takes 29,000. What else are they going to do on a Saturday >night? >At Iowa, it takes none. There is no electricity in Iowa.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13620)	2/28/2000 6:55:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

Peter, my sweet, I've gotten this in so many e-mails that I am dizzy with them! Let's try this one: For you to ponder. A few words from the visionary Steven Wright ------------------------------------------ All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.