Silicon Investor (SI) -- The First Internet Community

STOCKTALK

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor. We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community. If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.

Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13856)	3/21/2000 8:16:00 AM
From: John Carragher	Respond to of 62551

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the > admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, > you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would > go into effect at noon the next day. > The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The > Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, > "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when > you died." > "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on > my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having > an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began > searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire > apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto > the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by > his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! > Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he > fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees > and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked > me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I > could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I > thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the > balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and > crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a > heart attack and died almost instantly." > The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a > bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. > Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. > A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said before I can > let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." > "No problem said the second man". But you're not going to believe this. > I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily > exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing > hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, > and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself > by the fingertips on the balcony below mine." "But all of a sudden this > crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps > on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at > the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away." "As I'm > laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating > pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the > balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me > instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes > his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. > "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," > and he lets the man enter. > A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, > please tell me how you died" The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm > naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13856)	3/25/2000 1:03:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62551

Imagine This > > -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- > > > > This guy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy???!!!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem." "No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor . . ." "At this time of the night no one will show up." "I've already said NO, and NO!" "Honey, it's just a small blowjob . . . I know you like it too." "NO!!! I've said NO!!!" "Baby . . . don't be like that." At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says . . . "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13856)	3/25/2000 1:10:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62551

Some new ones among the reruns.... Bumper Stickers: 1. Constipated People Don't Give A S**t. 2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. 3. If You Drink, Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could drive A Little Better. 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking. 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. 11. If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put What You Find. 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home 19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult 23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? 24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway 26. Illiterate? Write For Help 27. Honk If Anything Falls Off 28. Cover Me: I'm Changing Lanes 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit 30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person 31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! 32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? 34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now 35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere 36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] 37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong... 38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! 39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen upside Down, On A Jeep] 40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. 41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant] 42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut? 43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. 44. Ax Me About Ebonics 45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel 46. Boldly Going Nowhere 47. Cat: The Other White Meat 48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! 49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That 50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends 51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window 52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? 53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. 54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch 55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13856)	3/25/2000 1:17:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62551

>> >>Things that make you go hmmmmmm... >> >> >> >>How come wrong numbers are never busy? >> >>Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? >> >>Does killing time damage eternity? >> >>Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? >> >>Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? >> >>Why is it that night falls but day breaks? >> >>Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? >> >>Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn >> >>down the radio? >> >>Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid >> >>made with real lemons? >> >>Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop? >> >>Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep >> >>it? >> >>Do pilots take crash-courses? >> >>Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? >> >>Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just >> >>whipped out a quarter? >> >>Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? >> >>How can there be self-help "groups"? >> >>How do you get off a non-stop flight? >> >>How do you write zero in Roman numerals? >> >>If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing >> >>"Happy Birthday?" >> >>If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman? >> >>If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? >> >>If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? >> >>If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? >> >>If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl >> >>Scout cookies made out of ? >> >>If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? >> >>If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they >> >>do? >> >>If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? >> >>If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? >> >>Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running >> >>child? >> >>Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already >> >>there? >> >>Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?