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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Carragher who wrote (13859)	3/21/2000 7:56:00 AM
From: John Carragher	Respond to of 62549

SPEECH >> >> >> >> A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he >> >> couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had >> >> discussed horseback riding with the members. >> >> >> >> A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and >> >> they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. >> >> >> >> She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as >> >> he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could >> >> hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

To: John Carragher who wrote (13859)	3/21/2000 9:55:00 AM
From: MrsNose	Respond to of 62549

With the golf season pending I thought you would need some new pointers. A Book on Golf You really only need four clubs to hit every bad shot in golf. The score your opponent reports on any hole should always be regarded as his opening offer. Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie. A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive. Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole. There is no such thing as a friendly wager. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. The stages of golf are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse. The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole. Don't play with anyone who would question a 7. It's as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size. If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up. Progress in golf consists of two steps forward, and 26.6 miles backward. One good shank deserves another. It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up. No golfer ever swung too slowly. No golfer ever played too fast. One birdie is a hot streak. No matter how badly you are playing, it's always possible to play worse. Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right. Any change works for three holes. The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching. Never take lessons from your father Never teach golf to your wife. Never play your son for money. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. There are no little problems. There are no tiny changes. There are no small pieces of advice. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10. The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes. Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives. Confidence evaporates in the presence of water. It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard. It's not a gimme if you're still away. The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats. Always limp with the same leg for the whole round. The rake is always in the other trap. The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes. Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right. The rough will be mown tomorrow. The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday. It never begins to rain on the 18th hole. It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing. The nearest sprinkler head will be blank. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. Out of bounds is always on the right. The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.