Silicon Investor (SI) -- The First Internet Community

STOCKTALK

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor. We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community. If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.

Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: MrsNose who wrote (13864)	3/21/2000 10:05:00 AM
From: MrsNose	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

> Oil Changing Instructions > -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- > Women: > > 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches > 3000 since the last oil change. > > 2. Drink a cup of coffee. > > 3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave > with a properly maintained vehicle. > > Men: > > 1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check > for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), > hand cleaner and scented tree. > > 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. > Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, > dump in hole in back yard. > > 3. Open a beer and drink it. > > 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. > > 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. > > 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. > > 7. Place drain pan under engine. > > 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. > > 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. > > 10. Unscrew drain plug. > > 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; > get hot oil on you in process. > > 12. Clean up. > > 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. > > 14. Look for oil filter wrench. > > 15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips > screwdriver and twist it off. > > 16. Beer. > > 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. > Finish oil change tomorrow. > > 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out > from underneath car. > > 19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil > spilled during step 18. > > 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. > > 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. > > 22. Install new oil filter making sure to > apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. > > 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. > > 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. > > 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. > > 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole > quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. > > 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. > > 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction. > > 29. Begin cussing fit. > > 30. Throw wrench. > > 31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench > hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob. > > 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. > > 33. Beer. > > 34. Beer. > > 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. > > 36. Beer. > > 37. Lower car from jack stands > > 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands > > 39. Move car back to apply more oil lift > (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23. > > 40. Drive car >

To: MrsNose who wrote (13864)	3/25/2000 6:41:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

A new twist on a rerun: How To Give Your Cat A Pill 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, 2. "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 3. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa. 4. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 5. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 6. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in--quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 7. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 8. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 9. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops! 10. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 11. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 12. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 13. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 14. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) 15. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman. 16. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 17. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 18. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 19. Take two aspirins and lie down.