It was late Thursday afternoon. I was whooped. Exhausted. For the past two weeks the market had been wild. The bio's collapsed. The Dow held, then took off. The NASDAQ got clobbered, then it too took off. Barron's ran a story saying that a lot of the internet stocks were running out of money; that many would go out of business.
There was talk of the NASDAQ correction turning into a "severe correction", maybe even a crash.
I'm a trader. It was all I could do to hang in, make few dollars. Many of my trading buddies got slaughtered. Some stayed slaughtered, some came back nicely. OJ, as I recall, had one "nervous" day, but hnng in, stalwart fellow that he is, and made a lot of 'gemmers a lot of money. Jenna's watch-lists were good, one day was the best I'd seen in a year.
Even Dortmuner, the chimp with the clipped British accent and the 197 IQ , was feeling it.
"Log on to Priceline.com" he advised. "You need a few days in the Caribbean. Some sun, some body surfing. Find a girl. Relax. Enjoy." he said.
Delbert the Parrot, perched on Dortmunder's right shoulder, perfectly impersonating Dortmunder said "Find a girl, find a girl. AWK, AWK!"
I called my shrink, Doc Kronkite, who bore a striking resemblance to Mel Brooks and told him what Dortmunder suggested.
"Ridiculous idea" said the doc. "What you need is discipline. Work harder. Didn't you read chapter 23 in my best-selller, "The Truss: Friend or Foe"? Read on it boobeleh, read. It'll cure your problems."
I didn' want to read it. And I didn't want to see the doc at my regular Saturday morning session.
I logged on to Priceline.com. A round-trip to the Carribean cost a lotta beans. But what the hell, I was gonna give it a shot.
The thing about Priceline is that you put in a price. And they want your credit-card number. So if you get your price, you're hooked. But Priceline has a few "conditions." To wit: You have to take what they give you. You must agree to "layovers", you must agree to switch planes, more than once if they say so
and worst of all, you must agree to leave at anytime. If it's 2:00 a.m., you leave at 2:00 a.m.
So I put in a ridiculous price...$200, round trip. No way I was gonna get it, especially since Friday was a "peak" day.
An hour later they e-mail me. "Congrtulations...you've got a seat. $200 Round-trip." And it's a non-stop flight.
I tell Suzy. "Terrific" she says, "you'll get some sun, do some body-surfing, maybe get lucky and find a girl who'll help you "relax".
"You must be kidding" I say.
"Go. Find a girl. Trust me, she'll help you relax. It's Ok. I understand these things."
What a girl!
I get to Logan airport, head for the central parking lot, which by the way, is larger than the state of Connecticut. I park. I lock up. And just as I'm leaving a fine
looking blond-hair lady tells me that I've parked in a no-parking zone. I thank her and find another spot.
I head for my terminal. Did I mention that the garage is rather large? Remember Moses leading his people in the desert for forty (40!) years. He got lost is what. Same thing here in the garage; I see people, entires families even, walking, walking...looking for their cars. Crying. Very sad.
As I'm heading for the terminal I run into the nice blonde lady. I ask her which way to my terminal. She points. Then she says "You have beautiful hair."
I am somewhat taken aback, but without missing a beat I say "So do you." She smiles, I smile. This is starting off pretty good. "Feh! to you" I mutter to doc Kronkite.
I get to the terminal, go through the x-ray machine (not a beep!) head for the gate and my plane. While I'm sitting waiting the 40 minutes to board, a beautiful blond stewardess keeps looking at me. Me! I think about this; either she likes the cut of my jib, (Suzy insists I look just like Sam Elliott....I think I look like his motorclcyle, Cher, or her truly beautiful son "Rocky" in "Mask")...or my fly is open. I surreptitiously check my fly as the beautiful blond turns away for a moment. Yup, my fly is open.
As fate would have it, there was a striking brunette sitting accross from me, reading.
"Whatsha reading?" I ask. "1984" she says, "by George Orwell."
"Terrific book" I tell her. "Did you know they made a movie of it? Edmond O'Brien played Winston Smith, the lead."
"No" she says, batting her eyelashes.
Of course she didn't see it. She's a college girl. A college girl!
"Rent the video." I suggest. "O'Brien played a great Winston."
"I will, I really will" he said, clearly impressed.
Three girls I'd met in less than an hour; the guilt set right in. I'd have to talk to the doc about this when I got back. The doc would help me. He's a specialist. Did a whole chapter on "guilt". I didn't read it. But I guess I'd have to.
Got to the Caribbean and called my dad. "So how they doing?" I asked. He's a trader too. The Dow and the NASDAQ aren't doing much, but NITE broke out nicely on volume. Good you sold the AMZN April put options. It just took off." I don't do all that well with AMZN.
Darn. I'm down here to lie in the sun, body-surf, mabe meet a girl, get "lucky"...for relaxation of course... and what's the first thing I do? I check in to see what the market's are doing.
Maybe over the weekend I'll "relax."
Lee Kramer |
