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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (14072)	4/13/2000 4:42:00 AM
From: Arctic Trader	Respond to of 62549

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked the first redneck. The professor answered "Let me give you an example. Do you own a Weedeater"? "I sure do" answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good" the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN"!!! "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (The redneck is obviously Catching on.) "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class." The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him walked back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? the friend asked. "Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic"? asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater"? "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya"? ( from CyberTrash )

To: Barney who wrote (14072)	4/13/2000 8:21:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

This may be a repeat. My mind is fried by this market. A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.