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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 12:18:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it - we're closed. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P. Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 12:21:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor. "Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 12:23:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A: Doughnuts

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 12:25:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda. The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!" The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!" The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniel's." The other two women responded: "Jack Daniel's? But that's a hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 12:26:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me." Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents room until he heard the unmistakeable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid-stroke, turned and asked angrily; "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Well stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father, returning to the job at hand.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 12:27:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D. "He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her." "Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things happen." "I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms." "That's unfortunate." "Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife." "Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 12:28:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A married guy was out getting a little kinky sex when he suffered a massive heart attack and died... The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?" To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut it off and stuff it in his ass." When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket... Bending over him she softly wispered, "Hurts, doesn't it?"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 12:29:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door. "I`ll get the door" says the first Ovary. She looks out the peep hole and says; "Did you order furniture?" No why?" asks the other Ovary. "Because there two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 12:31:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Redneck's Sex Ed. 101 Final Exam 1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True False 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True False 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True False 4. Vagina is a medical term to describe a heart attack. True False 5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True False 6. A g-string is part of a fiddle. True False 7. Semen is a term for sailors. True False 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True False 9. Testicles are found on an octopus. True False 10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True False 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True False 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True False 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True False 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True False 15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True False 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True False 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True False 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True False 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles. True False 20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True False 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True False 22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True False 23. Pornography is the business of making records. True False 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True False 25. Douche is the French word for "twelve". True False

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 12:33:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon," he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds," he said. "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds left," he said. "I, uhh, ooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough," said the game show host... "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 1:00:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple was having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his penis. The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied: "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator".

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 1:02:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

What is a woman with sperm on her glasses most likely to say? I saw that one coming...

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 1:05:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful." "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you." "Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her." "That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake." "Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you." "Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too." "Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?" He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?" "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 1:06:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A. A cherry float. Q. How do you get a nun pregnant? A. Dress her up as an alter boy Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common? A. Push it aside and keep on eating... Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? A. I feel like a kid again!

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 1:08:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A burglar entered the house of a gorgeous model when she had gone out. He searched for valuables in her room, only to find, to his dismay that there were nothing but clothes in her wardrobe. Furious, he tore up all the clothes and proceeded to the kitchen to continue his search. There was nothing to be found except a cat called Mimi which the model doted on very much. There was just a packet of milk in the fridge for Mimi. The burglar was furious at his futile attempt; he strangled the cat, and drank the milk to get some moral satisfaction. When our gorgeous model came back, she was boiling with rage at what had happened. She went to the police station immediately and gave her account of the episode to the police.... "A burglar entered my house today, ripped off my clothes, squeezed my pussy and drank my milk!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 1:18:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Mary, the bride left the bathroom to find John, the bridegroom, with his prayer book in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance" answered the religious young man. "I'll take care of the guidance," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 1:22:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q: How do you get an attorney out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested; we call him a defence lawyer. A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 1:23:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was going. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me." "I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 1:24:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives." His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/10/2000 1:26:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Three good ol' boys were talking about their teenage daughters. The first says: "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!" The second says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn't even know she drank!" With that the third says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!" ********* Three hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy, my wife is so dumb. She is so stupid she went shopping today and bought an air conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!" Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothing. My wife's dumber than that. She went shopping and bought a washing machine." They all laughed because nobody around them had plumbing. The third guy said, "If you think that's dumb, listen to what my wife did. I was looking in her purse for change the other day and I found six condoms. Hell my wife doesn't even have a penis."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 11:14:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996 HOW TO SCORE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND: (Some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero) Simple Duties --You go out to buy her flowers: +10 --But return with beer: -5 --You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0 --You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0 --You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5 --You pummel it with a six iron: +10 --It's her father: -10 Social Engagements --You stay by her side the entire party: 0 --You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2 --Named Tiffany: -4 --Tiffany is a dancer: -6 --Tiffany has implants: -8 Saturday Afternoons --You visit her parents: +1 --You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3 --You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3 --And the television is off: -6 --You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6 --And you didn't even go to college: -10 --And it's not really your underwear: -15 Her Birthday --You take her out to dinner: 0 --You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1 --Okay, it is a sports bar: -2 --And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3 --It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10 --You give her a gift: 0 --You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1 --You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2 --You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30 --You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10 --With her credit card: -30 --And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40 Thoughtfulness --You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25 --Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35 --And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50 A Night Out with Your Pals --You have a few beers: -9 --For every beer after three, -2 again --You get home at 3 a.m.: -20 --You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30 --And not wearing any pants: -40 --Is that a tattoo? -200 A Night Out, Just The Two of You --You go see a comic: +2 --He's crude and sexist: -2 --You laugh: -5 --You laugh too much: -10 --She's not laughing: -15 --You laugh harder: -25 Driving --You lose the directions on a trip: -4 --You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10 --You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15 --You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25 --She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60 Communication --When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0 --When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5 --You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10 --She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 11:16:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

The young secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?" "He kept insisting and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 11:19:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

DICTIONARY OF DATING DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man. EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily because of shyness but usually because of the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does. SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 11:23:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The copper said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 11:26:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one day: The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to speak, but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve." The professor nodded approval, but as he got ready to call on another hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one." The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Then he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven." And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one." Then he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted as though she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one sir." And the professor said, "Well, young lady, that is unusual. And what position would that be?" "With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied. And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 11:27:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A man limps up to an ice cream van and orders a cone. "Crushed nuts?" asks the vendor. "No," replies the man, "it's just the way I walk."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 11:29:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 11:32:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q. If a stork brings legitimate babies and a lark brings illegitimate babies, what kind of bird brings no babies? A. A swallow ********* If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love? The Swallow.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 12:03:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween? A: Pump kin Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep? A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister. What has three teeth and sixty feet? The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 12:04:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A good ol' boy walked over to a good looking girl in a bar and said "Howdy! How'd y'all like to come on over to my house and we can have a real good time?" "I'm not too sure," she replied, "where exactly are you from?" "I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills." "Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will screw pigs and sheep and goats and cows and chickens..." He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 12:08:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife in bed. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to give her an orgasm. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100% successful. He says, "Hire a big, strong, muscular man to stand near your bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm." The guy hired the strong man, hopped into bed, and while the huge guy waved the towel, he made hot monkey love to his wife -- but all efforts were in vain. No orgasm. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. His friend suggested that the husband and the big guy switch places with his wife. "Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed," says the friend. The husband agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. The husband hires the same guy again and this time they trade places. The strong guy makes wild, hot crazy love to the man's wife. The husband stands and waves the towel. Naturally, the wife has a divine orgasm. The husband leans over to the big, strong, muscular guy and says proudly, "You see!! Now that's the way to wave a towel."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/12/2000 12:11:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured the drink he remarked "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replies "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks him "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and get the hell out." "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'BAD DOG! BAD DOG!' "

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/13/2000 3:30:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl; she takes him upstairs where she takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs and he says, "What's that?" She says, "It's me lower mouth." He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth'?" She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..." He says, "'As it got a tongue in it?" She says, "Not always."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/13/2000 3:32:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is....some flowers." "That's right!" said the boy. "But how did you know?" "Just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is...a box of candy." "That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/13/2000 3:38:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Ann," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. How a baby grows in a woman's tummy and...." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really need some pointers on is how to fake an orgasm."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/13/2000 3:24:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how gorgeous the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... Could I see your driver's license...?" "...License...???" replied the blonde, instantly revealing that she wasn't very bright. "It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer radioed the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes," replied the officer. "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff, stand back,and drop your pants..." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. That's crazy!" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher. So the cop returned to the blonde, gave back the license and registration, and dropped his pants as the dispatcher said. The blonde looked down and sighed, "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer....

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/13/2000 3:32:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A redneck walks into a doctor's office asking for a prescription for birth control pills for his daughter. The doctor replies, "How old is your daughter?" "She's 11," the redneck replies. The doctor is suprised, "Is she sexually active at 11?" "Naw, she justs lays there like her mother...."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/13/2000 3:36:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Q. What should you give a woman who has everything? A. A man to show her how to work it. Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A. Phone her. Q. Why do women fake orgasms? A. Because they think men care. Q. Why did God create woman? A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/13/2000 3:40:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/13/2000 4:17:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Joe, Dave and Rick are golfing with Bud. Joe tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to Bud and says, "What did I do wrong?" Bud says, "Loft." Dave tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks Bud, "What did I do wrong?" Bud says, "Loft." Rick tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks Bud, "What did I do wrong?" Bud says, "Loft". As they're walking to their balls, Rick finally speaks up. He says to Bud, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots and when we asked you what we did wrong, you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" Bud told him, "Lack Of Fucking Talent."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14248)	5/13/2000 4:19:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said, "Finkelstein, have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant for just one hundred dollars." Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?" "It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk." "But I have nothing to feed it on," cried Finkelstein. "I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it in." But Moskowitz went on: "Two beautiful tusks, maybe two feet long. It is a magnificent beast. They don't make them like that anymore." "Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where will I keep an elephant?" "You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant for only $50 extra." Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"