How To Install Software:
>
> A 12-Step Program By Dave Barry
>
> 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
> explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It
> should look some-thing like this:
> SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
> 2386M&M PROCESSOR, 5963 BIZIGAHERTZ OR HIGHER
> 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM OR COMPARABLE
> 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
> 235.1 MB EXPENSIVE DISK SPACE
> 3546 MB RAM
> 432323 MB ROM
> 05948737 MB RPM
> ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
> 2 TURTLE DOVES
> NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
>
> 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
> detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the
> software. Throw it away.
>
> 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
> 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
> that says:
> LICENSING AGREEMENT:
> By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
> terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as
> well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret
> Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such
> other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company
> shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the
> user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
> underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do
> us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders
> keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't
> forget to tip your servers.
>
> 4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
> child), please install this on my computer."
>
> 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
> appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
>
> 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
>
> 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
>
> 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
> the following message should appear on your screen:
>
> The Installation Program will now examine your system to see
> what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK
> with you? Choose one, and be honest:
>
> +---------+ +---------+
> | YES | | SURE |
> +---------+ +---------+
>
>
> 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
> for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in
> there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures,
> so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an
> entirely new device, such as a food processor.
>
> At the very least, the installation program will create many new
> directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and
> fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"
> "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
>
> 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
> display the following message:
>
> CONGRATULATIONS
> The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
> computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
> If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
> shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or ddoouubbllee vviissiioonn,
> you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^:($*!#$_$*^&
>
> 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
> than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
> furniture.
>
> 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
> package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
> you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through
> 12.
> |
