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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Edwarda who wrote (14645)	5/16/2000 9:52:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62549

Having traveled south of the border for shopping, I have seen many people return to the United States with us. I've seen a few strange sights but one is rather remarkable. It happened a few months ago on our last shopping trip. As we stood in line we saw the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Here's what happened: The Taco Bell Chihuahua and a few of his canine stars took a trip to Tijuana. They went to a doggy bar and got a bit drunk. As they crossed back into the United States, the border guard stopped them. "Nationality" he said to Lassie. "Aamerrricannn" slurred Lassie. The border guard waved Lassie through. The guard asked each of the other three Hollywood dog stars the same question and waved them each through. When it was time for the Taco Bell Chihuahua to pass, our little star showed the guard his green card while wobbling from side to side. The guard studied it carefully and asked some questions of the tipsy star. The border guard was still suspicious so he said "I'll let you pass if you can use three words in a sentence." "No problem, senor" our little star replied. "Okay, use green, pink, and yellow in a sentence". The Chihuahua thought for a moment then said "the phone, it goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow!"

To: Edwarda who wrote (14645)	5/16/2000 9:54:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62549

You know it's time to shave your legs when the cat uses them for scratching behind its ears.

To: Edwarda who wrote (14645)	5/16/2000 9:57:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62549

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by he river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

To: Edwarda who wrote (14645)	5/16/2000 10:23:00 PM
From: E	Respond to of 62549

QUESTION: Why did the Chicken cross the road? ANSWERS: by JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side. "That's why "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that. by PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. by DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! by ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. by MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. by GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. by ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. by KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability. by SADDAM HUSSAIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. by RONALD REAGAN What chicken? by KEN STARR I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.) by CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. by FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? by FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. by BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbookƒEUR"and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. by EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? by BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? by LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. as written in THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. by COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

To: Edwarda who wrote (14645)	5/20/2000 6:10:00 PM
From: Warthog	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Dr. Seuss Explains computers If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet poscket has an error to report. If you cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then yoiur situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot, and go out with a bang, because as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!