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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Mike 2.0 who wrote (14698)	5/24/2000 12:51:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62554

Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Good food, but no atmosphere.

To: Mike 2.0 who wrote (14698)	5/24/2000 12:54:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62554

E V E R Y T H I N G I N E E D T O K N O W ... I L E A R N E D F R O M N O A H ' S A R K One--Don't miss the boat. Two--Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three--Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four--Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five--Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six--Build your future on high ground. Seven--For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Eight--Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine--When you're stressed, float a while. Ten--Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. Eleven--No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow.

To: Mike 2.0 who wrote (14698)	5/24/2000 12:57:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62554

Mom's Day Out ------------- My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

To: Mike 2.0 who wrote (14698)	5/24/2000 1:01:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62554

Diet Excuses ------------ 1. But the doughnut was calling my name. 2. I felt left out because they were eating. 3. But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake. 4. The kids over seas are starving, so naturally I have to clean my plate. 5. I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had a ice cream. 6. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 7. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 8. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 9. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 10. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 11. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. 12. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients. 13. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 14. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 15. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.