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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (14851)	6/7/2000 8:40:00 PM
From: Edwarda	2 Recommendations Respond to of 62549

> > YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST > > > > 1. If you believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to > > heaven. > > 2. If you have never sung the third verse of any hymn. > > 3. If you have ever put an IOU in the collection plate. > > 4. If you think that someone who says "amen" while > > the pastor is preaching is charismatic. > > 5. If you complain because your pastor only works one day a > > week and then he works too long. > > 6. If you clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty all > > week. > > 7. If you woke up craving fried chicken one morning and > > interpreted it as a call to preach. > > 8. If you are old enough to get Senior Citizen's discounts > > at the pharmacy, but not old enough to be promoted into the > > Senior Adult Department. > > 9. If you think the epistles are probably the apostle's > > wives. > > 10. If you think the Holy Land is Nashville. > > 11. If you think God's presence is always strongest in the > > back three pews. > > 12. If you think John the Baptist founded the Southern > > Baptist Convention. > > 13. If you think "Victory in Jesus" is the > > national anthem. > > 14. If the first complete sentence you uttered was > > "We've never done it this way before." > > 15. If you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of > > sweat worked up by the preacher. > > 16. If your definition of "fellowship" has > > something to do with food. > > 17. If you honestly believe the apostle Paul spoke King > > James English. > > 18. If you think worship service music has to be loud. > > 19. If you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and > > unsalted crackers. > > 20. If you think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots > > with the Catholics.

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (14851)	6/7/2000 8:48:00 PM
From: Edwarda	2 Recommendations Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

> > > > A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. > > > > > > > > > On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be > > > > > > > > > gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How > > > > > > > > > can that be if you've been married ten times?" > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling > > > > > > > > > me how great it was going to be. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure > > > > > > > > > how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and > > > > > > > > > get back to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked > > > > > > > > > out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the > > > > > > > > > order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process > > > > > > > > > but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new > > > > > > > > > state-of-the-art method. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he > > > > > > > > > knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, > > > > > > > > > he was never sure how to position it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, > > > > > > > > > I miss him! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ...But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?" > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "Duh; you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"