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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14932)	6/9/2000 1:01:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

Little old lady to judge: Your Honor, I am 86 years old. So there I am, sitting on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor, so I don't stop him. He begins to rub my old breasts. Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, take me!" He yelled, "April Fool!" and that's when I shot the son of a bitch.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14932)	6/9/2000 1:05:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62558

Sandwich Perfection -------------------- As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (14932)	6/17/2000 11:01:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62558

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year." ------------------------------------------------------------ Two high powered executives, Gary and Bill staggered out of their company Christmas party in New York City. Bill started crossing the street, while Gary accidentally stumbled into a subway entrance. When Bill reached the other side he turned to notice Gary emerging from the subway stairs. "Where've you been?" Bill slurred. "I don't know" replied Gary "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What are the three things homosexuals like most? A: To eat, drink, and be Mary... ------------------------------------------------------------ This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over. He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please." The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?" The old man says, "No, Arthritis."