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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (15014)	6/17/2000 1:33:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62553

HELPFUL HINTS Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dishwashing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

To: Barney who wrote (15014)	6/17/2000 7:27:00 AM
From: John Carragher	Respond to of 62553

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "gosh... if I go down three inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...that fish will jump for the fly... and I will grab him." It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch." You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish ... and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.... then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs the fish... the hunter shoots the bear... the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches ... some pussy is in danger.