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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (15428)	7/26/2000 7:52:31 AM
From: hcm1943	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before ................shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to .................change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the .................paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to ................."bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it ...................with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be .................anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table ..................no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is .................a job that should be done in private .................using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for ..................several days. However, if you live alone, ..................deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social ...................no-no, as they tend to detract from a ...................woman's jewelry and alter the taste ...................of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially .................on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: .................."I've been wanting to go out with you ...................since I read that stuff on the bathroom ...................wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is ....................expected back. Some will say ....................10:00 PM; others might say ...................."Monday." If the latter is the answer, .....................it is the man's responsibility to get .....................her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby ..................and picked up immediately after the ..................movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. .................Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get ................you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with .................a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can .................create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes ..................for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if ...................the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with ....................the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, ...................it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (15428)	7/26/2000 8:04:50 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62550

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife... "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final!" "Do I have to go fishing with you? I really don't want to go!" "Okay, I'll give you three choices: 1 - You come fishing with me and the dog 2 - You give me a blow job, or 3 - You take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options, you'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back. "Well, what have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ASS!?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind. "OK, I'll give you a blow job" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. She stops and looks up at her husband. "This tastes absolutely disgusting. It tastes all shitty!" "Yes," says her husband "the dog didn't want to go fishing either."