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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Calvin Scott who wrote (16563)	10/25/2000 10:02:12 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

USEFUL TIPS FOR A BETTER LIFE ----------------------------- This section is here to help you! Situated in this here documentation doobrey is a collection of useful tips that you have probably so far lived without, unable to reap the benefits they do bring forth. To help you more efficiently we have broken the tips up into sections. SECTION 1: Hazards Always check water temperature before jumping in a kettle. When sleeping in an Eskimo's igloo always ensure that there are no loose ice bricks above your head. To alleviate suffocation, breath normally. Beware of Greeks baring gifts. If you find yourself falling out of a tenth storey window, scream a lot, then die, ensuring you clean the pavement afterwards, rather than being selfish and expecting someone else to do it for you! SECTION 2: Medical Considerations Eating breeze blocks can, on some occasions, lead to indigestion. Keyhole surgery is not cutting someone open with a key. If someone is having breathing difficulties, don't give them oxygen, give them helium, they'll be up and about much more quickly. Tie them to a breeze block first. DO NOT eat it. SECTION 3: Cookery Buy ingredients Buy cooking equipment Learn how to cook SECTION 4: Computing If the letter "A" appears on screen at any time then just press the button marked "Reset" or "Power" To eliminate the need for an expensive printer, just place some paper and a carbon copy sheet behind your monitor. The Esc. Button is your friend. Press it all the time. Use your printer to print intricate designs directly on to wedding, birthday, x-mas cakes etc. CD-ROM's are very nice in cheese toasties. To free up much needed memory just type "FORMAT C:". This will give back to you much of the valuable space taken up by needless operating systems. If you have trouble with word processing just use an autoformating function. These are accessible in most word processors by rapid pressing of the key marked "Delete". SECTION 5: Money Saving To become very rich draw lots of £10 notes onto face flannels and pay them into your bank. Another way to become very rich, just buy all 14,000,000 possible combinations in next week's national lottery. Don't spend anything. Sell your car, and don't spend anything Sell your car and all your clothes and don't spend anything. Sell your car, all your clothes, and your house and everything you own in the whole wide world....... and don't spend anything To avoid buying a daily newspaper, just read the same one everyday. Use lard instead of cheese. Don't use your own money! Use someone elses!