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Pastimes : G&K Investing for Curmudgeons -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: unclewest who wrote (8557)	11/19/2000 12:02:05 PM
From: Dr. Id	Read Replies (5) \| Respond to of 22706

Bush Tops Chimp in Latest I.Q. Test Campaign hopes results will quell voter doubts about the Texas governor’s fitness NEWSWEEK WEB EXCLUSIVE November 1— With a less than a week to go before the 2000 presidential election, Texas Governor George W. Bush outscored a laboratory chimp in a scientifically conducted I.Q. test, aides to the Republican nominee revealed today. “NOT ONLY is Governor Bush smarter than a chimp, he’s a whole lot smarter,” Bush advisor Ted Grundig told reporters in a hastily called press conference. “These I.Q. test results should put to rest, once and for all, any question about the Governor’s fitness to be commander-in-chief.” The tests took place in a controlled environment at a laboratory in Princeton, New Jersey, Bush aides said. The Texas Governor arrived with two sharpened No. 2 pencils and faced off for three hours against a chimp named Bongo. Highlighting the impressiveness of Governor Bush’s victory, sources close to the Bush camp claim that Bongo is one of the smartest chimps in America. “The Governor didn’t beat just any chimp, he beat a truly outstanding chimp,” one aide says, adding that Bush outscored Bongo in seven out of ten intelligence categories. The Gore campaign was quick to dismiss the Bush camp’s victory claims. “None of this testing could have even taken place without the use of graphite pencils,” the Vice-President’s daughter, Karenna, told a group of reporters following the Gore campaign, “and I don’t think I need to remind you who invented them.” Raising the ante, Bush appeared in a campaign event in Miami today, where he faced off against a “really smart laboratory mouse,” according to Bush 2000 officials. The Texas Governor wended his way through a maze in search of a wedge of Swiss cheese, defeating the mouse “handily,” Bush aides say. The most recent survey shows the major candidates locked in one of the tightest presidential races in recent history: Bush 34%; Gore 32%; Bongo 31%.

To: unclewest who wrote (8557)	11/20/2000 10:12:55 AM
From: DownSouth	Respond to of 22706

FL, That was very, very funny!

To: unclewest who wrote (8557)	11/20/2000 12:49:16 PM
From: FaultLine	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 22706

Re: Gore - Bush phone calls ??? I don't get it - sounded perfectly normal to me... --cfl@weneedlaughnowcuecardsthesedays.com

To: unclewest who wrote (8557)	11/20/2000 3:49:06 PM
From: tekboy	Respond to of 22706

hey, uncdubyah, here's your chance to stop envying Rudy Boesch and get your tuches back into shape... ctb/A New York Times November 20, 2000 Rats, Psychological Warfare, Now Combat By BILL CARTER Mark Burnett is raising the stakes in reality television: he is bringing in the Green Berets to square off with the Navy Seals to see who is best at rescuing hostages and eliminating street snipers. After setting ratings records with his rat-eating contestants on CBS's "Survivor," and then selling NBC on a showdown among would-be astronauts for a chance to be shot into space, Mr. Burnett, the leading producer of the reality television genre, has created a new series called "Combat Missions." The show, to be announced today and set for next summer on the USA Cable network, will pit eight four- person teams of current or former special forces operatives in an elimination duel built on elaborately staged rescue operations that will have contestants doing everything from dropping by rope from helicopters into staged street battles to taking on faux terrorist groups simulating the takeover of a 747 — all accompanied by explosions, weapons fire and other pyrotechnics. "I'm going to try to make it as real as possible," said Mr. Burnett, himself a former member of the elite British Parachute Regiment. He emphasized that his goal is "film-quality" pseudoreality that, he hopes, will remind viewers of movies like "Saving Private Ryan." The program is the centerpiece of a new strategy for the USA network, which has been compelled to remake itself after this season's loss of professional wrestling, by far its highest-rated programming. Mr. Burnett has also brought his longest-running program, "Eco-Challenge" — a team race through a jungle or desert — to USA, and the network is clearly hoping to ride its association with Mr. Burnett to new ratings success, as well as a definition of the channel's brand identity. Rob Sorcher, the executive vice president of USA, said the deal with Mr. Burnett is crucial to affirming to the channel's viewers — largely young men — that "USA is the channel for escapist, actiony, adventurey television." Mr. Burnett, speaking by phone from Australia, where he was wrapping up production on "Survivor II," said "Combat Missions" would recruit its contestants through a Web site going up today. He acknowledges the show is likely to be dominated by men and "might be a bit violent," though none of the weapons will be real and the situations all carefully mounted simulations. Mr. Sorcher said "Combat Missions" would be heavily promoted on "Eco-Challenge," which will fill the week of April 1 for USA. Mr. Sorcher said, "Mark Burnett is the best in this genre, and it means a lot for us to tie ourselves to him." It meant enough for Mr. Burnett to again secure the all but unheard of concession that he will split advertising revenue with the network. He has a similar deal with NBC for the space show, and he shared in ad revenue for "Survivor" with CBS. "I don't do shows now where I don't get revenue sharing," Mr. Burnett said.