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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: PMS Witch who wrote (16961)	11/20/2000 11:22:24 AM
From: Jane4IceCream	Respond to of 62578

Thx for the laughs on a dreary day.....! Love your name. Jane

To: PMS Witch who wrote (16961)	11/20/2000 1:27:35 PM
From: Richnorth	Respond to of 62578

The following bloopers were culled/adapted from various sections of Richard Lederer's FRACTURED ENGLISH. 1. "The Egyptians worshipped the God Onassis. They raped mummies in bandages. Rosetta Stone was the first queen of Egypt." 2. "After the second invasion of Greece, the Athenians took refuse on their ships." 3. "George Washington was a very social man. He had big balls and everyone enjoyed them." 4. "Galileo showed that the Earth was round and not vice versa. He dropped his balls to prove gravity. 5. "A liter is a nest of young baby animals." 6a. "The hydra gets its food by descending upon its prey and pushing it into its mouth with its testacles." 6b. "When the Martians' spaceship landed, they got out and had testicles all over the heads." 7. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." 8. "The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul." 9. "Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris." 10. "It is in the virginia that the period of gesticulation is passed." 11. "The safest sex is absence." 12. "Germinate: to become a naturalized German." 13a. "Rabies: Jewish priests; must be treated with respect." 13b. "It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud." 14. "Sound: a rapid series of osculations." 15. "Vacuum: a large, empty space where the Pope lives." 16. "Caruso was the first Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America." 17. "Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached." 18. "An oboe is an American tramp." (written by a British student) 19. "I know what a sextet is, but I'd rather not say." 20. "Diatonic is a low-calorie Schwepps." 21. "I came out of that session smiling like a rose." 22. On a menu in a Chinese restaurant: "Special cocktails for women with nuts." 23. In a German pamphlet: "Our ETERNA Fountain-Pen is a revolting invention." 24. "The Alberta Pipeline was largely financed through private investigators." 25. "I am a single parent with a 2-and-a-half-year-old daughter who has been unable to attend Craig University because of student loans." 25. This headline appeared in an Idaho newspaper: "Idaho brides cannot handle heavy traffic." (should have read bridges instead of brides).