Christmas Oldies......
Dear Santa,
I wood like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
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Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a monkey trainer. How
'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
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Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
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Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
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Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter?
He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
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Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed,like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
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Dear Francis,
Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
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Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer shoot air biscuits in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Tequila .
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
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Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time picking up prostitutes and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey,YOU asked!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
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Dear Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
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Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater vest again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
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Mark,
First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa |
