friday's funnies...
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly
conversation when one of the men asked the
other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic
you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught
us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization,
association-it has made a big difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.... "Rose,
what was the name of that clinic?"...har...har...ROTF...
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere...
The worst airline disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon. Rescue workers have so far uncovered 826 bodies, and expect to find more as the
digging continues.
> > My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
> > - Henny Youngman
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
> > - Rodney Dangerfield
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
> > - Milton Berle
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
> > - George Burns
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
> > "There was water in the carburetor."
> > I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the Lake."
> > - Henny Youngman
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
> > - Henny Youngman
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
> > when married you."
> > The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
> > him keep her.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt
> > her.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
> > So I got myself two girlfriends.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
> > not to report it since the thief was spending much less than
> > his wife did.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
> > You order what you want, then when you see what the other
> > fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
> > married?"
> > The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a
> > man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
> > Dad: That happens in every country, son.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
> > happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
> > The next day he received a hundred letters.
> > They all said the same : "You can have mine."
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
> > "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
> > "A billionaire." she replied,
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you
> > never get to prove it.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and
> > said,"
> > Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
> > His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest
> > cheat in Europe.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
> > intelligence.
> > Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
> > every word you say, talk in your sleep.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
> > name was Always.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
> > It only seems longer.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all -
> > money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful
> > woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
> > "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
> > life thinking they had no faults at all.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > I think one of the greatest things about marriage is
> > that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around
> > the house.
> > Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his
> > wife can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for
> > whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double
> > of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
> > "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm
> > half dead."
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
> > They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > How do most men define marriage?
> > An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > The most effective way to remember your wife's
> > birthday is to forget it once.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
> > packing your parachute
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
> > Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
and finally...
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"...
ROLLINGONTHEHARDWOODCOVEREDWITHTEARS...
have a safe weekend...
pops |
