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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: MrsNose who wrote (17541)	1/1/2001 5:58:10 AM
From: Arctic Trader	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

happy new year to all ! Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was black as charcoal. Every time it jumped the fence, You could see its little arsehole. Mary had a little lamb, She tied it to a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's ass And turned it's wool to nylon. Mary had a little watch, She kept it in her garter. And when the boys asked her the time, She knew what they were after. Mary had a little lamb, She kept in her yard. Every time she took her panties off, His wooly dick got hard. Mary had a little sheep, It went to bed with her to sleep. The sheep turned out to be a ram, And Mary had a little lamb! Mary had a little lamb, The doctors were astounded. Everywhere that Mary went, Gynecologists surrounded. Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised. When Old McDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died. Mary had a li'l lamb Its wool was soft and pink A big bad wolf came by one day Now Mary has a mink! Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead. Now Mary takes the lamb to school Between two hunks of bread. Now Mary found the price too high, Which really didn't please her. Tonight she's having the leg of lamb, The rest is in the freezer. Mary had a little lamb, A little roast, a little jam; An ice-cream soda topped with fizz, Boy, how sick our Mary is.

To: MrsNose who wrote (17541)	1/4/2001 8:19:34 PM
From: Tomato	Respond to of 62549

>The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they >were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following >are some of the winning entries: > >Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. > >Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. > >Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. > >Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled by how much weight you have gained. > >Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer >the door in your nightie. > >Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. > >Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. > >Flatulence (n.), an emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run >over by a steamroller. > >Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. > >Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. > >Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, >including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayerbook >together before vespers. > >Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist >immediately before he examines you. > >Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish >expressions. > >Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. > >The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word >from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one >letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners: > >Sarchasm (n.), the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader >who doesn't get it. > >Reintarnation (n.), coming back to life as a hillbilly. > >Giraffiti (n.), vandalism spray-painted very high. > >Foreploy (n.), any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of >obtaining sex. > >Inoculatte (v.), to take coffee intravenously. > >Osteopornosis (n.), a degenerate disease. > >Karmageddon (n.), it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really >bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's a serious >bummer. > >Glibido (n.), all talk and no action. > >Dopeler Effect (n.), the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they >come at you rapidly. > >Pintoxication (n.), Euphoria at getting a refund from the ATM, which lasts >until you realize it was your money to start with. > >Ignoranus (n.), a person who's both stupid AND an asshole. >