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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Arctic Trader who wrote (17725)	1/15/2001 8:52:08 AM
From: Guardian	Respond to of 62575

> I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. > > > > Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. > > > > A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit. > > > > They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that > communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch...do it and you die." > > > > The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and > then they marry him. > > > > I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 > can fit into their stuff. > > > > "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How > intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?" > Subject: Ingenuity One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. > >Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for > >company. > >One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, > >"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the > >poor creature?" > >Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an > >animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and > >there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for > >the creature." > >Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to > >donate for the service?" > >Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell > >me the dog was Catholic?"