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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (18268)	2/28/2001 2:26:18 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62550

I am thankful: for the teenager who is not doing dishes but is watching TV, because that means he is at home and not on the streets. for the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed. for the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been surrounded by friends. for the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat. for my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine. for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home. for all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that we have freedom of speech. for the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation. for my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm. for the lady behind me in church that sings off key, because it means that I can hear. for the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear. for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard. for the alarm that goes of in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive. and finally... for too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

To: Barney who wrote (18268)	3/12/2001 12:16:37 PM
From: Goalie	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well", said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs! "Blowjobs!", the woman replied. It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month, he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true...no more blbwjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?," she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here." ____________________- Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her its not so, the husband comes up with a suggestion . If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing the toilet paper between her breasts. How long will this take?, she asks. They'll grow larger over a period of years, he replies. The wife stops. Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years? "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"