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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (18282)	2/28/2001 9:56:36 PM
From: E	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

Some of these are very funny. >David Letterman on The Late Show: > > "JENNIFER LOPEZ won a Grammy for the supporting work she did > on Puff Daddy's alibi. Do you know why they're called the > Grammys? Because they figured the Kilos would be too > obvious. The Grammys were so long and boring I thought I was > hosting. Bill Clinton watched on the big-screen tv he stole > from the White House." > > "ROGER CLINTON just got arrested again for drunk driving, > and he's still not the most embarrassing member of the > family. Bill Clinton defended his pardons, though, in an > op-ed piece he wrote for the New York Times. He wrote it > himself on a computer he stole from the White House. Today I > saw him walking through Times Square pardoning people." > > "It's the one-month anniversary of GEORGE BUSH being > President. Things are starting to look pretty bleak for Al > Gore." > > "Have you been reading about that FBI SPY? They should have > been suspicious when he kept taking operatives to the > Russian Tea Room and asking them to 'please speak into the > blintz.' The only guy to sneak more stuff out of Washington > was Bill Clinton." > > "THE CLINTONS stole 71 pieces of art from the White House. > 'Washington Crossing the Delaware'? That's hanging in the > rumpus room out in Chappaqua. Oh, did I say 71? It's 72 if > you count Clinton's favorite piece, Monica." > > "I knew PUFF DADDY AND JENNIFER LOPEZ were going to split. > For the last few months they've been shooting up separate > nightclubs." > > "FIDEL CASTRO had a five-hour lunch with CBS President Les > Moonves. I've had lunch with Les Moonves, and, Mr. Castro, > we owe you an apology. It was a weird scene. There was a > ruthless dictator surrounded by yes men, and then there was > Castro. Les was trying to talk Castro into becoming Bette > Midler's new tv husband." > > "GEORGE W. BUSH bombed Iraq. His next punishment may be to > schedule a lunch between Saddam Hussein and CBS President > Les Moonves. Actually, a couple of weeks ago Clinton > pardoned Hussein." > > "It's President's Day, or as AL GORE calls it, Monday. The > Presidents all had their own mottos. George Washington, for > instance, is known for, 'I cannot tell a lie.' Clinton will > be remembered for, 'Oral sex is not adultery.'" > > "GEORGE W. BUSH is in Mexico. It was his first trip on Air > Force One, and he had to stand the whole way. Yeah, Clinton > stole the seats. Bush and Mexican President Vicente Fox > couldn't be more different. Fox, for instance, speaks fluent > English." > > "My favorite Oscar-nominated movie is still the Clinton > documentary, Crouching Intern, Stolen Sofa." > > "On Valentine's Day my date had such a good time she said > she felt guilty about taking the money." > > "Did you watch the two-hour BARBRA STREISAND farewell > concert? I've seen the last three. Now they're taping James > Brolin's Transmission Island." > > "New York is infested with wild parrots. Up at Columbia > University they've even been heckling Al Gore. And New > York's sewer pipes are leaking. Of course they were laid at > the turn of the century--just like Cindy Adams." > > Guest JULIA ROBERTS complained that she used to be his > special girl, but now he seems to flirt with all the women. > Dave: "I had heart surgery a year ago, and now blood is > going to parts of my body it hadn't been going to before." > > *** > Jay Leno on The Tonight Show: > > "People are upset at EMINEM. He's anti-gay and anti-woman. > That pretty well cuts down his dating options." > > "Poor PUFF DADDY. He's going from having sex with Jennifer > Lopez, #1, to having sex with #1568432." > > "GEORGE W. BUSH quote of the day: 'Teach a child to read, > and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'" > > "In her court testimony ANNA NICOLE SMITH said she and her > 90-year-old husband were like 'two peas in a pod.' More like > two melons and a prune. It turns out the old billionaire's > last mistress died during plastic surgery--or as they call > it in L.A., natural causes." > > "An FBI AGENT was arrested for spying. Now the Russians know > who won Survivor 2. The spy's wife had no clue. That makes > Hillary only the second most naive woman in America." > > "What does HANNIBAL LECTER call a black man, a Latino and a > man from Taiwan? A BLT. What does Hannibal think is the best > thing about Domino's Pizza? The delivery guy. Why doesn't he > eat kids from Beverly Hills? Because they're spoiled. > Hannibal was going to have shish-kabob, but Bob didn't show. > What does Hannibal call a person with a big smile? A happy > meal. For breakfast Hannibal has eggs and Kevin Bacon. Why > did Hannibal invite Ralph Nader over? He's trying to eat > more greens. What shouldn't you say to Hannibal? 'Bite me.' > What does Hannibal call a hot tub? A crock pot.. Why won't > he eat stewardesses? He hates airline food. What does he > call Kate Moss? Lean cuisine." > > "BILL CLINTON said he didn't pardon anyone for money. He > claims there was no quid pro quo. Usually with him it was > quid pro ho'." > > "BILL CLINTON's in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. I'll let you > think about that yourselves. At Mardi Gras the women show > their breasts for fake jewelry. In L.A. the women show fake > breasts for real jewelry." > > "GEORGE W. BUSH has asked Roger Clinton to stay on as > Embarrassing Relative. Roger was arrested for DUI. The > officer said he was weaving more than his brother trying to > explain those pardons. The bad thing about the arrest, all > those pizzas in the back seat never got delivered. The > police won't release his blood alcohol level, but it was > somewhere between a Kennedy and Boris Yeltsin. Roger's going > to star in a new movie, Driving Miss Demeanor." > > "GEORGE W. BUSH bombed Iraq, a family tradition. Saddam > Hussein has gotten so fed up he's moving his offices to > Harlem. The sad thing is, Iraq may have their power restored > before California has its. Bush has also ordered an > investigation of civilians with no experience running Navy > subs. What about civilians with no experience running the > country?" > > "Today is PRESIDENT'S DAY. Did you know Grover Cleveland > could simultaneously write in Latin with one hand and in > Greek with the other? That's nothing. Bill Clinton can > fondle a Latin woman with one hand and a Greek woman with > the other. You know, I'd give my right arm to be > ambidextrous." > > "While Bush is in Mexico, DICK CHENEY launched air strikes > against Iraq-- though now they're saying it may have been > accidental. I guess they're letting civilians fly the > planes. The problem is, we can't tell where Iraq keeps its > weapons. We can't even tell where Puff Daddy keeps his > weapons." > > "Four years after they were forced to admit women, Virginia > Military Institute has their first pregnancy. They may be > marching too close together. It happened at booty camp." > > "Some gay former students at Oral Roberts University just > had a coming out party. Turns out one of them was also known > as Oral Robert." > > "San Francisco wants to pay for sex change operations for > city workers. It's part of the 'don't ask; can't tell' > program. Remember the good old days when people just left > their hearts in San Francisco?" > > "EMINEM pled guilty to a gun charge. I'll bet he doesn't > want to be treated like he's black on sentencing day." > > "The REPUBLICAN TAX PLAN is that the rich get richer, while > the Democratic plan is that the rich get pardoned." > > "It turns out that White House shooter was on twenty-four > different medications, so he's been asked to be on Ally > McBeal." > > "RUSSIA needs a big increase in population. Looks like the > perfect job for Jesse Jackson. It turns out he has more > mistresses. I'm waiting for the Million Mistress March. And > the Rainbow Coalition has adopted a new theme song: 'Jesse's > Girl.'" > > "Scientists have come up with a plastic that repairs itself, > so Cher could achieve immortality." > > "Soon you'll be able to trade stocks while driving your > car--giving new meaning to the term 'stock market crash.'" > > "Why does Valentine candy come in a heart-shaped box? > Shouldn't the box be shaped like a big fat ass?" > > "Do you know what O.J. SIMPSON gave his girlfriend for > Valentine's Day? A head start." > > Guest ARSENIO HALL: > > "Asking me to choose between Gore and Bush was like asking > me for my favorite Menendez brother." > > "The Bush-Cheney Administration sounds like the brand name > for a chastity belt." > > Guest BILL MAHER: "Clinton pardoned, literally, everyone and > his brother." > > Monday Night Headlines: > > "Flood flown in to help victims of earthquake in El > Salvador." > > "Blues man dies penniless; heirs fight over estate." > > Church bulletin: "Traditional Latin mass in English." > > Ad: "Quality Weeding Gown." > > Real estate ad: "...on five feced acres." > > *** > Jon Stewart on The Daily Show: > > Guest Wanda Sykes: "When I heard Bush was President and > Ashcroft was Attorney General, I went out and got me four > abortions."