Bring on the clowns
by John Public
Once upon a time there were two clowns who worked in a circus. Slider was the leader's nickname, due to his very unusual act. Every morning they fed a large elephant baked beans mixed with Colon Blow cereal. When his act was to begin they would have the elephant lay down facing away from the bottom of a 40 foot tall black slide. Slider would climb to the top, then slide down face first and bury himself to his knees in the elephant's rump. The elephant would raise it's hind legs and fire Slider high into the air. Slider would come down on the other side of the circus ring. Sometimes there would even be a net to catch him. Slider officially went by the name Sliderontheblack, but some members secretly referred to him as Slide'r in the Back.
Patch was the nickname for the second clown. Patch got his name due to an accident many years ago. He fell on a rock and cracked open his skull. he was able to sew it up with a swath of his shirt cloth, but not before part of his brain leaked out. Some say these were the parts that controlled his higher learning functions and social skills. Now whenever he is asked his name he points to his head, grins stupidly and says "I sew patch!".
Slider and patch thought that clowns were the most important part of the circus, and felt they were the best clowns. Every day they would go around to the other performers, patiently explaining why clowns were better and what it was about each performer that made them inferior.
One day all the employees decided to go to a casino. "I once to be a dealer" said Patch. "I knows all there is to know about every game at every cu'sino".
They came to a craps table. "You should do very good at this since you know all about craps" quipped Patch.
"How does this game work?" asked Slider, pointing to another table.
"Oh, that's a very old game" responded Patch. "You's simply put your number on a color and the dealer spins the wheel. If your color comes up, you win."
The employee at the table showed a big smile to the group. "Gentlemen, you are in luck today. We are having a promotion today and will tell you which color will win before each time the wheel is spun." We are also having a special for the next 15 minutes. We will either allow you to double your bet with house money (margin), or you can enjoy our buffet for free.
"I'm hungry, let's eat" whined Patch. Slider and Patch wandered off to the buffet table.
The other performers stayed and played with the house money. They quickly amassed large fortunes. When they saw Slider and Patch returning 15 minutes later they discreetly pocketed the bulk of their winnings out of politeness.
Slider looked at the table and saw less money than when he had left. "Look at you losers" he sneered. "You lost your asses using margin, while we had a great lunch for free".
"The winner this time will be green (wink-wink). Place your bets!"
Most of the circus performers placed their money on green, but Slider would have none of that.
"How about this color?" Slider asked Patch pointing to a color he was particularly fond of.
"Oh, that is a great color" replied Patch. "I have seen it win many times. It's pretty too."
"GOLD!" shouted Slider slamming his paycheck on the colored circle. "GOLD will be the winner!". He then proceeded to ramble about why Gold had to be the winning color. This went on for about 5 minutes.
The casino employee working the table sighed silently. "Sir, gold is no longer a color in the game" he patiently explained. "It is a holdover from a version we used many years ago. Green will be the winner."
"GOLD!" Slider shouted again.
"Lookee here mister" Patch exclaimed, wagging a finger in the employees face. "I used to work in a casino and I know full well that Gold is a valid color. Now calm down and spin the wheel. I smells a winner."
The employee pointed to the color wheel. "As you can see sir, Gold is not even on the wheel. You must select a color on the wheel to play."
"Look you putz" shouted Slider, clearly becoming irritated. "You're a poodle nipping at my knees. I WANT GOLD AND I WANT IT NOW!"
"That's a good one!" laughed Patch. You're the funniest clown ever!"
"I know" replied Slider.
"A poodle nipping at your knees?" said the employee in wonderment. "What does that mean?"
"You casino bambino's don't have a clue how to play the games" said Patch in a smug tone. "Don't make us show you how it's done."
"Huh?" said the employee, clearly puzzled.
"Bend over, I'm coming in!" Slider yelled. He began to climb over the table.
"SECURITY!" shouted the employee. Slider climbed back off the table as the big burly men materialized out of nowhere. "He was picking on me" exclaimed Slider. "I was simply defending myself".
"Yeah, that's what happened" chimed in Patch. "I saw everything he said and it happened just how I heard it".
"If you clowns can't behave we will have to ask you to leave" The men said authoritatively.
"We'll be good" said Slider. "I'm turning over a new leaf right now".
"Yeah, we're better than good. We're ggggrrrreeeeeaaaattt!" Patch said, thrusting a hand into the air with his middle finger pointing to the sky.
The security guards slowly disappeared back into the crowd, mumbling something about "damn clowns".
By this time a crowd had gathered around the gaming table.
"Look at all the money he won on Gold" whispered one observer. "It must be a lucky color."
"Some in the crowd put their money on the color.
"Look folks" said the employee. "Gold is no longer a winnable color in this game."
The crowd ignored the employee and began to chant "gold, gold, gold, gold".
"Whatever!" said the exasperated employee and spun the wheel. "We have a winner. Green is the winner."
"whodathunkit!" exclaimed Slider. "We won!"
"We sure did" Patch said excitedly. "See, I told you I knew what I was doing". He pulled a bag of chocolate ex-lax from his pocket and offered it to Slider. "Gum?"
Slider looked at the bag, then at Patch, then back at the bag. The look on his face clearly indicated what he was thinking, but Patch was his only friend. "Uh, those are chocolates, not gum" he said as he wolfed down a handful.
The employee moved around the table, paying the winners and collecting from the losing colors. When he got to gold he sadly shook his head and said "Look you clowns, since Gold is not a valid color I will not take your money this time. Might I suggest you try red next time? Red will be the winning color."
The performers promptly moved their winnings from green to red, but Slider and Patch had other ideas.
"What a bunch of fools you are" Slider said to the performers. "You girly boys are betting on red but I am telling you that Gold WILL be the winner."
"Yeah, you should have learned from losing the last time betting on green." echoed Patch, rubbing Slider's smooth head. "Hey, I can see myself."
Meanwhile an even larger crowd was gathering around the table.
"Wow, look at all the money on Gold. It MUST be lucky." said one observer.
"And those other guys betting on Red lost everything betting on Green last time" said another.
"How do you know?" asked a third.
"Because they said so" said the second, pointing to Slider and Patch. "Besides that, there is no money on green. I'm betting on Gold!"
The employee stared in disbelief at the large pile of money that now sat on the color gold. "What is wrong with you people? I told you red will be the winner" he said.
"What the hell are you smoking, poppin' & drinking - over there? You're a fool and your feeble attempts to confuse us won't work" retorted Slider. "Now shut up and spin the wheel, you Slider wannabee."
"Yeah, what he said" chimed in Iso. He looked at Slider. "Can I sit in your lap?"
The employee spun the wheel. "Red, Red is the winner."
"We won again!" said an excited Slider, even as the employee pulled the money off of Gold to pay the winners on Red.
"Yes, we're so smart" Patch agreed. "I think I want to play."
"With what?" laughed Slider. "You don't have any pockets.
"Well, I'm sitting on a mountain of cash!" Patch proudly proclaimed. He stood up, reached into his pants, grimaced for a minute, and pulled out a plastic bag. Opening it he pulled out a roll of dollar bills secured with a rubber band. "See, I told you I was sitting on a mountain of cash."
Will Gold ever win? Will Patch make a killing? Will Slider let Patch be his lap dog? These questions and more will be answered in the next exciting episode of Bring On the Clowns! |
