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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: elmatador who wrote (19074)	5/9/2001 8:52:12 AM
From: MrsNose	Respond to of 62576

> After all is said and done, > usually more is said than done. > > "No one ever says "It's only a game," > when their team is winning." > > I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: > "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18" > > "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come > I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" > > "How come we choose from just two people > for president and 50 for Miss America?" > > Ever notice that people who spend money on > beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always > complaining about being broke and not feeling well? > > On my first day of school my parents dropped > me off at the wrong nursery. > There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. > > Marriage changes passion... > suddenly you're in bed with a relative. > > Why is it that most nudists are people > you don't want to see naked? > > I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... > now I've got hair like Don King. > > I earn a seven-figure salary. > Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. > > The next time you feel like complaining, remember: > Your garbage disposal probably eats better than > thirty percent of the people in this world. > > I just got back from a pleasure trip -- > I drove my wife to the airport! > > Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. > > My wife and I were happy for twenty years > ...then we met. > > Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear > Mom's wise words: > "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." > > The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high > school was my blood alcohol content. > > Home is where you can say anything you > like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. > > I live in my own little world, but it's ok, > they know me here. > > "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with > 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" > > "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get > the same effect just by standing up really fast." > > Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." > > Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros. > > If flying is so safe, why do they > call the airport the 'terminal'? > > I see your IQ test results were negative. > > Regular naps prevent old age..... > especially if you take them while driving. > > Sex is hereditary. If your parents never > had it, chances are you won't either. > > I don't approve of political jokes... > I've seen too many of them get elected. > > How much can I get away with > and still go to heaven? > > I think your problem is low self-esteem. > It is very common among losers." > > If women can have PMS, > then men can have ESPN. > > The most precious thing we have is---life. > Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. > > I have learned there is little difference in wives, > you might as well keep the first. > > If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; > if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. > > Travel is very educational. I can now say > "Kaopectate" in seven different languages. >

To: elmatador who wrote (19074)	5/9/2001 12:40:14 PM
From: Richnorth	Respond to of 62576

I have a down-to-earth (or deep-throat) version of the same joke:- The last confession. When nuns are admitted to heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before becoming angels. Several are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of any sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "Have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well", says the first nun in line, "I once touched the penis of a sick man with the tip of my finger .when I was giving him a bath." "OK," says St. Peter, "Dip that finger in this container of holy water and move on to heaven." The next nun admits that, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK", says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on to heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" St.Peter inquired. "Well, St Peter," replied the nun who is trying to cut the queue, "If I'm going to have to gargle with the holy water in that container, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."