On the Job: Calling in Sick and Other Tall Tales
By LAWRENCE VAN GELDER
Truth, as the old saying goes, is stranger
than fiction. But when people tell the truth
about the fictions and half-fictions that
others concoct to explain absences from
work, it can be hard to tell truth from
fiction.
Several years ago, when I was head
nurse in a large suburban hospital,
one of my newly hired nurses' aides failed to
appear for her scheduled shift," writes Bette
Widder of Beaverton, Ore. "We were often
understaffed, and I was quite irritated with her
for adding to my problem.
"When she arrived the next day, I confronted
her about her absence, and she said, `My
sister and I are having a party, and we had to audition a band.'
"She so clearly thought that this was an adequate explanation that I had a hard time
not laughing. I discussed the importance of her being there every day that she was
scheduled and suggested that this might not be the right job for her. She cheerfully
agreed, and we parted company at that moment."
"Boy, as a business owner in the Bronx, I have heard it all!" writes Vincent Pacifico,
the chairman and an owner of Vista Food Exchange, a wholesale meat distributor. "I
have continued to be stunned and amazed. Employee excuses, some true, some not,
drop me to the floor every now and then. Several weeks ago, I heard it all."
It was a voice-mail message from a fellow he calls Juan, an employee of seven
years. "Hello, Vinnie," the voice said. "I am sorry but I can't come in next week. I
have to take my son in to church, and he will be baptized." Mr. Pacifico observes
that the little boy is 2. Juan continued, "And Vinnie, you know I will be in the next
week and a half. And Vinnie, I will be off again.
"Me and Eddie," Juan said, referring to a man Mr. Pacifico identifies as another
worker, "we each got three to six. So Vinnie, we will be gone a little while. And
Vinnie, before we go, we each need, if you can, please, Vinnie, a letter to give to
them saying we are good employees and will have jobs when we get out for work
release or something. Thanks so much, Vinnie, I appreciate it so much."
Mr. Pacifico adds: "So I wrote the letters and said I would see them when they get
out. True story."
"It was management's official policy to ask for a written excuse after an employee's
unauthorized absence," says Norman Glaser of Great Neck, N.Y., recalling an
incident about seven years ago at a restaurant supply company in Queens.
"However, as warehouse manager, I carried out this policy only if someone took
unauthorized time off too frequently. So when Steve phoned to say he had to take
his mother to the doctor once again, this time I asked him to bring a note from the
doctor's office."
Mr. Glaser enclosed a photocopy of the note, written on lined loose-leaf paper. The
employee's surname is omitted.
"To Whom it may concern this is Dr. Jackson to verify that Steve was with me
today to see how his mother are doing not to good.
"Your truly
"Dr. Jackson"
When Mr. Glaser read the note, he broke into uncontrollable laughter and couldn't
bring himself to fire the man.
"However," he adds, "about two months later, he was gone."
•
A few years ago, Stephen Twarowski of Seaford, N.Y., had a colleague with a
history of unusual and sometimes bizarre excuses for taking time off. On this
particular day, the man called in to say he would be absent because his 16-year-old
son had been kidnapped.
"My boss sympathized with him and told him to take as much time as he needed,"
Mr. Twarowski writes. The boss then added one more comment: when the caller
returned to work, he would have to bring with him the police and F.B.I. reports on
the abduction.
That was when the caller asked the boss to hold on. "Oh, my God, there's
somebody at the door," the caller said. Next he could be heard saying, "Oh, thank
God, thank God."
A "miracle" had occurred. The boy had returned safe and sound, the caller said.
"An hour later, he reported to work on time," Mr. Twarowski writes.
By his own admission, Thomas Mull of Manhattan, a salesman for Nycom,
jury-rigged his own vacation escape. On a cold January day several years ago,
while reading a Sunday travel section, he was "seduced by an advertised special of a
four- day, three-night getaway package to the beautiful Bahamas," he writes.
"I immediately phoned the travel agency and booked the holiday. On the following
day, I visited Supreme Court in lower Manhattan and informed the clerk that I
wished to perform my civic duty as a juror and requested that I be summoned in the
same week that my holiday escape was planned. At the time, I was employed by
the New York Telephone Company, whose policy was to pay employees during
their absence while serving on jury duty.
"One week later, I received a notice from court to report on the prearranged date. I
then notified my supervisor and readied my suitcase. The following Monday I
reported for my first day of jury duty. (My flight to the Bahamas was scheduled for
the next day.)
"That evening, I obtained a `sick note' from my doctor, and the following morning
phoned the courthouse to tell them that I had developed a bad case of the flu. I then
proceeded to the corner and hailed a cab to J.F.K.
"I had a wonderful time in the islands, spending most of my days in the shade of a
palm tree drinking piña coladas. Upon my return to jury duty the following Monday,
a sympathetic court attendant inquired about my misfortune and informed me that I
was no longer needed to serve the balance of the week.
"I returned to the phone company inventing nightmare stories about my time spent as
a juror and wearing turtlenecks and long-sleeved clothing for the next few days in
order to hide my paid vacation tan." |
