friday's funnies...early edition...
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh
hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running
towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my
window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an
apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on,
moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said
reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him
from the waist up?"
"The dresser!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
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A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when
another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog
is sat in
the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when
the
second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog handler says to the first man 'Don't mind Rover he is a
sniffer dog,
the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him
to work.
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man
'Watch this'. He tells the dog 'Rover, search '.
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman
for a few
seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handler's arm.
He says 'Good boy, and turns to the first man and says, 'That woman
is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat
number,
for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.
'Fantastic!' replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles.
The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to
its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says 'Good
boy, and
turns to the first man and says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm
making a note of this, and the seat number.
'That's marvelous, I never seen anything like it!' says the first
man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles.
He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to
someone,
and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all
over the
place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and
asks 'What the
bloody hell is going on?' The handler replies 'He's just found a bomb!
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There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
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A hyena is drinking at a watering hole one day
when he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close
to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a
turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears
back and kicks the turtle, making it fly the better
part of a mile.
The hyena asks, "What did you do that for?"
"Well," answers the elephant, "About 80 years ago that
turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB and
paid him back."
"Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember
what that turtle looked like after that many years?"
The elephant replied, "I have turtle recall."
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George said to Mary, "I'll bet you ten dollars that we could have the
best sex that you have ever had without me touching you." "You're nuts," she said, "Here is ten dollars that says you can't do
that!" They put the money on the mantelpiece. That night George and Mary proceeded to have sex. Reluctantly, Mary had to admit that it was the best sex that she could remember. The next morning she exclaimed, "Well, it may have been the best sex I've ever had... but you did nothing BUT touch me!" George gave Mary the ten dollars and departed with these words, "So I lose."
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A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking
spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a
couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man
in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young
lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young
man looked up, cranked the window down, and said,
"Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing here, son?" the policeman asked.
"Exactly what it looks like, sir," answered the young man.
"I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer
then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied,
"Exactly what it looks like also? She's knitting..."
"And how old are you?" the officer asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is the young lady?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Seventeen.
And in about 12 minutes she'll be eighteen..."
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Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and
explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce. "Why Daddy?"
asked a confused Little Johnny. "Well, son" he explained, "Your
mother and I are no longer
in love." Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in
love mean?" "Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband
rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at
the door. Your mom and I have lost that love." "But Daddy, I see
Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she
must still be in love with you." "I don't understand, son. When has
your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from
work?" "Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with
the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top
of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sailor went off on the sea
To escape from a Bride-wanna-be;
But she jumped in her dingy
'Cause she missed his thingy -
She caught him and then there were three!
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The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor
spotted
her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was unkempt,
her
dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her
breasts
was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital
not only
looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
""Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her
uniform, "It's
those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through
using
it!"
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and finally...
There was a middle aged couple who had two
stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They
decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant
and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a
healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the
nursery to see his new son. He took one look and
was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way
that he could be the father of that child. "Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave
her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said,
"Not this time."
have a great weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
