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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Tomato who wrote (20268)	8/23/2001 9:33:01 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 62552

Subject: Notable Quotes? "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) "Ah yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women) "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it, I said, Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne Barr "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "When the sun comes up, I have morals again." Elizabeth Taylor "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

To: Tomato who wrote (20268)	8/23/2001 11:37:00 AM
From: haqihana	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

Tomato, This is not a "first" but in the same vein as yours. An Indian goes to the reservation store and asks for White Cloud toilet paper. The agent says that all he has is generic toilet paper. The Indian says "what the generic stuff?" The agent says to just call if "no name" toilet paper. The next day the same Indian comes in and says "Me got name for toilet paper! Me call it John Wayne toilet paper. It rough, tough, and don't take no shit off Indian."