Hi, Sir! Indeed, geeks ... here are a few more from my 'classic funnies'
... file ... I'm sweating selling some puts ... actually waiting to pull the trigger for Dan Niles to appear on CNBC ... he'll throw some cold water on 'things' -g-
I saved this at least two years ago, so I don't know if the site is still live.
__________________________________
FROM A WEBSITE RUN BY A TECH SUPPORT REPRESENTATIVE with his comments following:
ADDRESS: geocities.com
I spent about 30 minutes on the phone troublshooting a software problem. I'd say, "Now go to settings
and check the com port." She (the customer) would pause and then say "Okay." We went through a
number of steps, and she would always pause and say "Okay." Finally, when it seem like she was
confused, I asked her "Okay, where are you now?" "The kitchen," she said. "The phone won't reach all
the way to the computer."
Sure, don't be anywhere near the computer when you call tech support. That would surely defeat the
purpose of driving the tech crazy.
++++++++++
During a class, I was stepping people through our communications software. "Now press F7 to continue,"
I said. "I keep pressing F7 but it's not working," an elderly gentlemen said. I walked up to his PC to and
saw F and 7 typed across the screen.
Just a bit too literal. It's not like the function keys are noticeable or anything.
++++++++++
As the only system engineer in my family, my new sister-in-law call me at work one morning, and asked
me if there was anything on the Internet that could get her arrested. I said 'yes...what's going on?'. She
sighed 'oh oh. I was trying to get to a page and my computer told me I had performed an Illegal Operation.' After I stopped laughing, I told her how that was a common application or operating system
error, nothing to be worried about. She laughed, and said she had to get off the line to call her ISP
customer support voice mail back...she had left several frantic messages for them asking what she should do. I love Internet newbies!
So this is an unofficial indication that tech support doesn't run in families?
++++++++++
Help!! I made myself a web page (thanks to Personal Publisher) and now I can''t find myself to update it. Find Me, Please! and return me to myself...
If we see you around, we'll be sure to ask you to wait for yourself.
++++++++++
Please explain to me, what, exactly, is a "bookmark"???
It's the underlining in all those textbooks you used to own. No? It's what your bookie makes in his notes
when you lose. No? OK, it's the closest distance between point A and point B.
++++++++++
I received a call from a lady that had received an Open Failed for ComX: Invalid or Unsupported ID. I
asked her if she was at her Desktop and she said yes. Here is what happened next:
Me: Okay, click on start.
Her: Do I have to have the computer on for that?
Me: slowly, knowing where this is going: YESSSS.
Her: How do I turn on the computer?
Don't bother. The PC police will be knocking at your door soon to take it away.
++++++++++
One day a caller called with a problem. She was stuck in this program that runs from a telnet session. I told her that she would have to hit the clear key (which was designated as F1) to exit the application field and return to the main menu. She told me, "But all the keys are painted the same color."
Guess some things are less clear than others.
++++++++++
One day a customer calls me saying she can not get her DOS application to run. I decided after asking a
few questions to try to help her step by step in running it. I get the customer to the DOS prompt from
Windows 95:
Tech: "Change to your CD ROM drive."
Customer: "How do I do that?"
Tech: "To change to your CD drive type d, colon, then hit enter."
Customer:"OK, D.... What's a colon?"
Tech responds: "Hold down shift, and hit the key that immediately to the right of the L key!"
Customer response: "Oh, you mean the double dot!"
I'll be damned - in the Memberese dictionary, that's exactly how colon is defined!
++++++++++
"It says, 'The system is currently unavailable. What does THAT mean??' "
What part of get lost don't you understand?
++++++++++
I was wondering why I have not grafts on my world wide web.
We're not plastic surgeons, you know.
++++++++++
My friend gave me her internet acess code because her and her family made a website about themselves
and I wont'd to see it and when I tried it they just confused me I beleive they should make it easier to
access websites!
Geez, don't panic. And you might try taking a breath every now and then.
++++++++++
I am the manager of a small (120 customer base) Internet provider. Many of my customers have
complained about mail being bounced back with an Error 550.
Let's see - error 550, mailbox not found. The correct address might be a step in the right direction.
++++++++++
I bought the game diablo how do you install the game diablo
Reading the installation instructions is obviously out of the question.
++++++++++
if you pick up the phone while you are online why does it disconnect you? thanks a lot!
You live to be stomped, don't you?
++++++++++
why would my computer be making noise on my phone line???? And how could I stop it????
Didn't you just write?
++++++++++
Is there a way to download the Internet onto a diskette in my B: drive instead of the hard drive
How many disks did you have in mind?
++++++++++
Not from the technology world specifically, but funny nonetheless: A woman thought her washing
machine was broken, so she bought a new one and kept the old one. A young man, helping her move,
noticed the old machine and asked her the problem. She indicated that it simply stopped working. He
examined the machine and found no particular problems with the belt, etc. Puzzled, he tested the outlet
where it was plugged in and found no juice. Turns out the ciruit breaker had tripped.
Modern technology at its finest.
++++++++++
This one lady brought in a Lexmark 1020 color printer to our store and complaint that the printer doesn't
work too well,and its been that way since she brought the printer,so we plungged the printer in,put in one
of our cartridges (she brought it in empty),and tested it ,it printed about 8 pages without problems, so
after a few more minutes of intense questioning (I was sweating like hell,thinking that we sold her a faulty printer),then finally,she mentioned ,"maybe this printer doesn't like that ribbon which I installed..." (in the future I'll remember to tell customer to use cartridges provided IN the box NEXT to the printer)
Cartridges, ribbons....what's the difference.
++++++++++
I took a call from a woman who obviously had not worked much with computers before. After fixing the
problem I told her to turn the computer of and back on again. She tried several times and just couldn't
understand why the computer kept turning on right into windows. It took 4 tries,and 20 minutes to
convince her that she was turning the monitor of and on, not the power switch. She was lucky I didn't strangle her when she said : "gee you must have a lot of patience for this job".
Otherwise we'd all be serial killers....
++++++++++
I got a call from a woman who was convinced something was wrong with her monitor, since her cursor
wasn't moving. I told her that wasnt in the monitor but had to be the mouse. I then asked her if she had
cleaned out the mouse. Ohh yes she answered I did that before i called you. I unscrewed the bottom, took the little ball out, and sprayed Pledge inside
And now it has a refreshing lemon scent, too!
++++++++++
This has happened to me more than once...I get a call from a user whos PC has locked up. (As we know
PC's can do). I asked her to the old "three finger salute" and re-boot it. She told me she tried that already.
So I told her to go ahead and turn off the PC for a few seconds and then back on and call me if she can't
back into the Server. Not expecting to hear from her again, the phone rings not even 20 seconds later.
"Same thing" she says. It's a small building so I told her "I'll be right there". I get there and she has
Windows up and I know what is wrong. I asked her if she powered the PC off and she said "yes, I shut
this off right here", and points to the power button on her monitor.
All power buttons are created equal to users.
++++++++++
Q: (Actual message in all caps) I can't read or receive email! Help!
A: (We're only allowed email replies so I almost delete it, but then reconsider.) Yes you can.
###
Q: How fast will my COM ports go?
A: How hard can you throw your computer?
###
Q: Can you please give me a listing of all the internet free naked women photos and videos...
###
"Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
###
"My Enter key is sticking and I'm out of WD-40. Do you have any?"
###
User: You sold me this service based on your supposedly wonderful support option. Well I pressed the Help button on my software three hours ago and no-one's rung me yet.
###
I walked this Windows 3.1 user through finding the program on his hard drive with File Manager and told him to set up an icon that I would need to get him to his Program Manager...
User: Program manager? Why!?!?!?
Tech: I can't put an icon up there for you to click on if you don't go to your Program Manager.
User: HELL!! I don't even know who my immediate manager is, much less my program manager.
###
A man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot-up. I tried to troubleshoot with him about what went wrong but he said it wouldn't even start. I had him bring it in and I couldn't get it to work either. I was making preparations to remove the hard drive so I could put it into a new laptop for him. When I turned it over, I saw 16 nicely drilled holes in the bottom of the case. I asked him how this had happened and he said that it was getting hot sitting on his lap all the time, so he drilled some "air holes" in it.
"Could that be the problem?" he asked.
###
The best question I was ever asked on a Tech Support call was:
"Do I have to INSTALL the software before I can UNINSTALL it?" |
