> > >This is really funny whether you have raised kids or not! If you have
> > > >raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including
> > > >toilet-flush burial's for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!!
> > > >
> > > >Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
> > > >
> > > >Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> > > >"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
> > > >"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
> > > >
> > > >Dad. Can you help?"
> > > >
> > > >I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
> > > >bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
> > > >stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
> > > >
> > > >"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
> > > >
> > > >"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
> > > >
> > > >"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> > > >
> > > >I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
> > > >want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
> > > >
> > > >"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
> > > >
> > > >(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> > > >
> > > >"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
> > > > most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
> > > >
> > > >"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> > > >
> > > >"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
> > > > informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
> > > >
> > > >By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
> > > >shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
> > > >wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
> > > >
> > > >"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
> > > >
> > > >"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of
> > > >tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she
> > > >was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> > > >
> > > >We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
> > > >would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
> > > >
> > > >"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> > > >
> > > >"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> > > >
> > > >"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> > > >
> > > >"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
> > > >appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
> > > >times with the same results.
> > > >
> > > >"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
> > > >talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
> > > >
> > > >"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with
> > > > my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> > > >
> > > >"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so
> > > >cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
> > > >boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> > > >
> > > >The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
> > > >through a magnifying glass.
> > > >
> > > >"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
> > > >
> > > >"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
> > > >you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
> > > >
> > > > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> > > >
> > > >Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
> > > > fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy."
> > > >
> > > >"What!?" we exclaimed.
> > > >
> > > >"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
> > > >maturity, like most male species, they um, er, masturbate, just the way he
> > > >did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
> > > >what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> > > >
> > > >We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just, just, excited?" my wife offered.
> > > >"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> > > >
> > > >More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
> > > >giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
> > > >
> > > >What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
> > > >married would commit the upcoming affront to flawless manliness.
> > > >
> > > >Tears were now running down her face.
> > > >
> > > >"It's just, that, I'm picturing you pulling on its, its, teeny little..."
> > > > she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
> > > >
> > > >"That's enough," I warned.
> > > >
> > > >We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son
> > > >back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
> > > >
> > > >"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
> > > >
> > > >Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter. |
