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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (21200)	11/9/2001 5:19:10 PM
From: Karen Lawrence	Respond to of 62592

Subject: After Dark One-liners "Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I said, 'I don't know, let's find out.'" -Don Imus "CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three." -David Letterman "The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry." -Jay Leno "People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstand, Bye-bye-Talibanistan, Ass-Kicked istan." -Jay Leno "President Bush is very angry at members of Congress today ... Boy we have a strange country - military secrets all over TV, the only information we can't find out - who won an Emmy." -Jay Leno "Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh ." -Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "President Bush continues to have the highest popularity rating of any president ever, current rating 130 percent... In fact, Al Gore carries in his wallet a picture of him and Bush at the debates and says, 'Yeah, I know him. We used to hang out.'" -Jay Leno "Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient with the war on terrorism. I think we're pretty patient. Election day took what, three months?" -Jay Leno "New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is lobbying now to stay in office another three months. And today Clinton said, 'You can do that?'" -Jay Leno "Today in New York, we had the primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani." -Conan O'Brien People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time." -Jay Leno "Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern." -David Letterman "The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard." -Jay Leno "Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -Jay Leno "Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box." - Jay Leno "More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's 6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie." -Jay Leno "The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin Laden Has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night." -Jay Leno "Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed to a mysterious white powder they had never seen before - the end zone." -Jay Leno "In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders." -Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Time Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID." -David Letterman "President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again." -Jay Leno "Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you know who also deserves a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole. Her husband is on Viagra and he's gone on the road with Bill Clinton - that is one trusting woman." -Jay Leno "It's a tough time to do humor, but it's not the only tough time. There have been other tough stretches in comedy. Remember a couple of years ago when President Clinton stopped dating for a couple of weeks?" -Jay Leno "Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -Jay Leno "People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And I have to be honest, it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea Stadium, instead of yelling 'You suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are better than you!'" -Conan O'Brien "This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." -Jay Leno

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (21200)	11/9/2001 8:23:01 PM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62592

- MYTH: Mel Blanc was allergic to carrots. This is simply not true - here's an excerpt from Mel's own autobiography: I don't especially like carrots, at least not raw. And second, I found it impossible to chew, swallow, and be ready to say my next line. We tried substituting other vegetables, including apples and celery, but with unsatisfactory results. The solution was to stop recording so that I could spit out the carrot into a wastebasket and then proceed with the script. In the course of a recording session I usually went through enough carrots to fill several. Bugs Bunny did for carrots what Popeye the Sailor did for Spinach. How many lip-locked, head-swelling children were coerced into eating their carrots by mothers cooing, "...but Bugs Bunny eats HIS carrots." If only they had known. dmoz.org