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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?


To: GROUND ZERO™ who wrote (21541)12/14/2001 10:04:43 PM
From: Vendit™  Read Replies (3) | Respond to of 62549
 
Q: What is the most confusing day in Mexico?
A: Father's day.

Q: Why do flies have wings?
A: To beat the mexicans to the trash can.

Q: How many cops does it take to arrest a mexican?
A: Ten. 1 to hold the mexican, and 9 to hold the oranges.

Q: Why don't you throw a rock at a mexican on a bike?
A: Because its probably your bike.

Q: Why do mexicans buy Cabbage Patch dolls?
A: Because they come with birth certificates.

Q: Why don't mexicans have any Olympic teams?
A: Because all the mexicans who can run, jump, and swim are over here.

Q: Why is there so little great mexican literature?
A: Spray paint wasn't invented until 1950.

Q: Why is the average age of the mexican army 40?
A: Because they take them right out of high school.

Q: Why don't mexicans play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.

Q: What are the three most difficult years in a mexicans life?
A: Second grade.

Q: How do you give a mexican a concussion?
A: Smash his head with the toilet seat while he's drinking.

Q: What do you call a mexican without a lawnmower?
A: Unemployed.

Q: What is a mexican's favorite sport?
A: Boxing... Boxing oranges!

Q: What do you call a building full of mexicans?
A: Jail.

Q: Why did the mexican cross the road?
A: To get from the gas station to the orange groves.

Q: Why did the mexicans have to move out of the house?
A: Because they couldn't figure out how to flush the pool.

Q: How do you fit 100 mexicans in a phone booth?
A: Throw in a food stamp.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: What do you call a taco with a food stamp inside it?
A: A mexican fortune cookie.

Q: What's the slowest thing in the world?
A: A mexican funeral precession with only 1 set of jumper cables.

Q: Who's the best man at a mexican wedding?
A: The guy with the jumper cables.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Mexico?
A: They don't want to wear out the donkey.

Q: How do you kill all the mexicans?
A: Blow up K-Mart.

Q: Why do mexicans wear sombreros?
A: So they have a place to put their taco when they are stealing your hubcaps.

Q: Why do mexican's drive lowriders?
A: So they can pick the cabbage.

Q: Why do they have hydraulics?
A: When all the cabbage is gone, they can then pick apples.

Q: What do you say to a mexican in uniform?
A: I'll have a big mac, coke and fries.

Q: What do you call sex with a mexican?
A: Rape.

Q: Why don't mexicans have barbecues?
A: Because the beans keep falling through the Grill!

Q: Why do mexicans have re-fried beans?
A: Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time?

Q: What's the name of Mexico's telephone company?
A: "Taco Bell."

Q: A mexican spent one whole hot day mowing the lawn, why couldn't he go inside the house and grab a sip of water?
A: It wasn't his house.

Q: Who's the best man at a Mexican wedding?
A: The guy with the jumper cables.

Q: How many mexican's does it take to grease a car?
A: Just one if you hit him right.

Q: Did you hear about the two mexicans on "That's Incredible"?
A: One had auto insurance and the other was an only child.

Q: Why do mexicans eat beans?
A: So they can have a bubble bath.

Q: How do you know that Superman isn't mexican?
A: Because he would steal wheels off air planes if he was.

Q: Why do most mexican men have mustaches?
A: Because they want to look like their mothers.

Q: How can you tell a mexican airline?
A: It's the one with hair under the wings.

Q: Why don't mexicans like blow jobs?
A: They don't like ANY kind of jobs.

Q: What do you call a mexican with an IQ of 176?
A: A village.

Q: What do you call a mexican paratrooper?
A: Instant air pollution.

Q: How many mexicans does it take to grease a car?
A: Just one if you hit him right.

Q: What do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopus?
A: I don't know but it sure can pick lettuce.

Q: Why are scientists breeding mexicans instead of rats for experiments?
A: They multiply faster and you don't get as attached to them.



To: GROUND ZERO™ who wrote (21541)1/30/2002 11:11:51 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.  Read Replies (2) | Respond to of 62549
 
A Message by George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend
more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses
and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more
degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts,
yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read
too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied
our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too
seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not
a life. We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing
the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not
inner
space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned
up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our
but accomplish
less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers
to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we
communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days
of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These
are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night
stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to
quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window
and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this
letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or
to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who
looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave
your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because
that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost
a cent.