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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Arthur Radley who wrote (21811)	12/25/2001 12:36:59 PM
From: OPER8OR324	Respond to of 62549

Sorry, I can't resist. I hope that I am not being too banal, insipid, unfunny, moronic, or more than a tad bit oafish. A fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

To: Arthur Radley who wrote (21811)	12/25/2001 2:40:21 PM
From: The Rabbit	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Then hit the friggin' "Next" button. I found his "trained" joke to be amusing, and if you're going to start like "anyone who does must have a fecal fetish" then I would respond "Methinks he doth protest too much".

To: Arthur Radley who wrote (21811)	12/25/2001 7:36:05 PM
From: OPER8OR324	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

After having their 11th child, a Texas couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Texan said to the doctor, "I might not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Texas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that two, learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he stopped, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

To: Arthur Radley who wrote (21811)	12/26/2001 11:03:49 AM
From: Karen Lawrence	Respond to of 62549

A guy walks into a hardware store and asks to see someone who knows about chainsaws. Soon a salesman walks over and asks how he can be of assistance. "Well", the guy says, "I just bought a wood furnace, and I am planning on cutting my own wood. I need a chainsaw that will do the job." So the salesman sells the guy this chainsaw "This machine will guarantee you 5 cords a day, no sweat." So the guy walks out happy as a lark. The next day the salesman was working and sees is the same guy coming again with the chainsaw in his arms. "What's the matter?" the salesman asks. "I need another chainsaw," he said, "I was slaving all day and I only managed to get 1/4 of a cord cut with this stupid machine!" The salesman inspected the machine but found nothing wrong with it. However, seeing that the man was upset he offered to trade with him a different chainsaw, that was guaranteed not to fail. this one was even more powerful. The guy went away happy. The next evening, the salesman saw the man coming again with the same problem. He only managed to cut 1/4 of a cord of wood the whole day despite all his hard labour. Again the machine was inspected and found okay. The salesman gave the guy the most expensive, powerful, biggest machine he had. He said, "Now this is the best we have, I personally guarantee your five cords of wood. So the guy set off on his way again. The sales was sure he wouldn't see the man again, but lo and behold, the next evening, there comes the guy with the chainsaw complaining that he only cut 1/4 cord of wood. By this time the salesman was getting pretty ticked off and took the man and the chainsaw in the back room. He wanted to test the chainsaw for himself to discover the problem. The salesman pulled on the cord and started up the chainsaw at which the man yelled out: "WHAT'S THAT NOISE!"

To: Arthur Radley who wrote (21811)	12/26/2001 11:08:25 AM
From: Karen Lawrence	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Q. How does a Forest Service firefighter handle a fire on the kitchen stove? A. He lights a back burn on the living room sofa.

To: Arthur Radley who wrote (21811)	12/31/2001 11:00:47 AM
From: OPER8OR324	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Oh yeah, I almost forgot my "fetish"; Taking A Dump I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber..... The Perfect Dump Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it. The Beer Dump Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised..... The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag) Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag". The Empty Roll Dump Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks! The Splash Back Dump This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping. The Childbirth Dump This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to he ll you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it. The Machine Gun Dump Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....da mn commies. The Sound Effect Dump You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera. The Cling-On Dump You've finished but there's one da mn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bas tard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors....... The Whole Roll Dump No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes. The Encore Dump Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores..... The Houdini Dump You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.