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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (21828)	12/27/2001 4:49:02 PM
From: Karen Lawrence	Respond to of 62549

Ah, to be rich: DESIRE TO BE RICH I know a guy who called up the Home SHOPPING Network. They said "Can I HELP you?" & he said "No, I'm just looking." [George Miller on David Letterman 3/30/93] GIFTS [If I was rich, I'd give a lot of gifts to my friends. Even NOW I give gifts.] I should get something for my writers. Let's see. They need pencils & paper. [Jack Benny, planning his Christmas list, 12/16/45] Once Harry VonZell was in San Francisco & he sent his boss George Burns a wire. It said "Lost my wallet. Please send a hundred." George wasn't home & his wife Gracie Allen got the telegram. Harry has been giving away wallets for Christmas ever since. [George Burns on the Burns & Allen TV show] I AM RICH I don't really value MONEY much. Apart from its PURCHASING power, it's absolutely useless. [ALFRED HITCHCOCK, "Return to Finder" episode of his TV show] My wife was afraid that success would CHANGE me, but I had my people call her & tell her not to worry. [WIL SHRINER 11/6/90 "KELLY & GAIL" SHOW] My friends, money is NOT all. It is NOT money that will mend a broken heart or reassemble the fragments of a dream. Money CANNOT brighten the hearth nor REPAIR the portals of a SHATTERED home. I refer, of course, to CONFEDERATE money. [ARTEMUS WARD, QUOTED IN "WEALTH 101"] Calvin Coolidge was a man of FEW words. Once at a party, a Washington matron came up to him & said "I've made a WAGER, Mr. President. I've bet that I can make you say at least THREE words." He said "You lose." [Calvin Coolidge] Xerox has POSTPONED production of its newly developed, high-veracity, full-color duplicator due to CONTRACTUAL difficulties with Canter Construction Co. Canter officials have RETURNED the cash advance for the new factory facilities, alleging the bills have IDENTICAL serial numbers. [NATIONAL LAMPOON, early issue] [Back when I was poor ---] Someone from the bank keeps writing letters about my being overdrawn & asking me when I'll clear it up, so I wrote back & said, "Look. Once a month I write ALL my creditors' names on pieces of paper, screw them up & put them in a hat. I then draw one out & PAY it. If you don't stop BOTHERING me, I won't even put your name in the hat." [Peter Sellers, quoted in Spike Milligan's book "Peace Work"] A money-saving tip for Christmas: Glue a jujube on a brick & mail it out as fruitcake! [Julie Brown, 12/94]