THE DARWIN AWARDS
It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These
awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
individual, who through single- minded self-sacrifice, has done
the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene
pool.
5th RUNNER-UP
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a
lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the
slope on a foam pad.
The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central
Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3a.m.,the Mono County
Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had
hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam
protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth
Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently
used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.
It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one
with its
pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a
St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo
grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed
the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag
standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it
fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party
(probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the
.22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting
cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips,teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer,24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting
cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to
explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said "I'll show you how to
set it
off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out
and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in
guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a
spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't
imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be
released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right
eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain
Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men
Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off
his head, but
the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow
gone 1 millimetre to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut
and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor
Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went
through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his
skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw
also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he
surely
would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his
friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb
about this."
No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER.
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of
the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no
tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be
easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They
pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr.
Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence
and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop
on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he
found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and
broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his
shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw
some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his
fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly
bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now,
without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his
rectum. To
make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
threw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup
truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse
and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing
him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100
feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked,
scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh,
and his
shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win |
