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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (21966)	1/7/2002 7:06:18 PM
From: Karen Lawrence	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62593

I think I've been guilty of five "sins", but NOT ANYMORE since I've now read the Seven Deadly Sins of Calling for Technical Support by Anonymous: Sin 1) When you finally find a real live body to talk to, explain your situation, then SHUT THE HELL UP WHILE THEY TELL YOU THE RESOLUTION. This especially goes for situations where they have not yet collected credit card information. I have had literally hundreds of customers who would not shut up while I was trying to give them the answer for free. My usual response is to immediately sell them the biggest service plan available. Maybe at $5 a minute they'll pay better attention. Sin 2) "I'm not actually in front of my computer..." This statement is exactly why so many companies now charge by the minute. The business philosophy is that anyone foolish enough to not even be in the same building as the software they are calling about should be good for at least $100. These calls are about as smart as trying to get a mechanic to fix your car while it's still at home in the garage. Careful not to chip your teeth on that crack-pipe you're smoking. Sin 3) Informing the operator of your vast experience is usually a stupid thing to do, even if you actually have vast experience simply because you may end up looking foolish when you discover that your question is an obvious no-brainer. I have had to mute the phone to laugh at 'consultants' who were stumped with a problem but aghast at the thought of paying for technical support. Buddy, your client is paying you for your experience and knowledge. If you lack that knowledge and experience then you will need to get out a credit card and pay me for MY knowledge and experience. That's business. Sucks being ignorant. Sin 4) "I did not write down the exact error code." What in the hell do you honestly expect us to do? Do a Vulcan-f-ing-mind-meld and retrieve the exact error code from your cerebral lobes? You're high! Now you understand why the hold times are always so long, the technicians are squandering their time with people who aren't even sure of their issue. Sin 5) Being rude. Phone operators are just regular, plain old people same as you. If you're an ass and talk ##### to them, they will be unlikely to render you any assistance they are not required to. In fact, those of you who take pride in being an ##### might be surprised to learn that half of your hold time could be cut if you'd stop harassing the operator into transferring you to the queue with the longest hold time. There is almost always a priority hot-line that can get you where you need to go in a flash. We send people through on that line all the time. Just not cheese-holes like you, that's all. Now you know why the operator always sounds so thrilled when they close the call with "Have a nice day." It's because you have just been sent to a place where they never answer the phone. Sucks being you! Sin 6) Read the ##### book first! You would not believe how many people pay for technical support for the simplest of issues. They never even think to open the book or check the help files. Small wonder that so many software developers now charge for technical support. We give you all of this documentation, searchable FAQ databases, in-program movies, on-line databases, etc, yet every day I talk to thirty or forty people who are using their users manual to prop up the monitor. On occasion I have actually sold service plans to customers who needed help using the help files. Ka-ching! Sin 7) Failure to recognize the fact that you are not well suited for computers. So many people I talk to balk at calling for technical support because they see it as a stigma or blemish on their intelligence. Personally, I am the worlds worst mechanic. I even have trouble changing the %@$#!! oil. Does that mean I'm stupid? No, it just means I'm a lousy mechanic. Accept the fact that you are just not a computer person and expect to pay for help using one. If you call a mechanic and ask them to show you how to do routine maintenance on your car, they'll expect payment.