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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Ian@SI who wrote (22051)	1/13/2002 9:39:14 PM
From: Doug Coughlan	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62559

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

To: Ian@SI who wrote (22051)	1/13/2002 9:40:35 PM
From: Fizz	Respond to of 62559

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. Also, I never have figured out how sexual desire gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words, "I do." One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she then says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?!" So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realized that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say, "OK." And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited! She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I might be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw of 2003.