Silicon Investor (SI) -- The First Internet Community

STOCKTALK

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor. We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community. If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.

Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: sandintoes who wrote (22367)	2/3/2002 4:42:33 PM
From: SHELTIE	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

> > , > Subject: Personal training > > > > If you read this without laughing out loud, there is > > > something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every > > > woman who ever attempted to get into regular workout > > > routine. A must read! > > > > Dear Diary... > > > > For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the > > > dear) purchased a week of personal training at the > > > local health club for me. Although I am still in > > > great shape since playing on my high school softball > > > team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead > > > and give it a try. I called the club and made my > > > reservations with a personal trainer I'll call > > > Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old > > > aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing > > > and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my > > > enthusiasm to get started. > > > > The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my > > > progress. > > > > Monday: > > > > Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, > > > but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the > > > health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is > > > something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing > > > eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce > > > gave me a tour and showed > > > me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes > > > on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was > > > so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him > > > in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed > > > watching the skillful way in which he conducted his > > > aerobics class after my workout today. Very > > > inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my > > > sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from > > > holding it in the whole time he was around. This is > > > going to be a FANTASTIC week!! > > > > Tuesday: > > > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it > > > out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push > > > a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights > > > on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the > > > treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's > > > rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel > > > GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. > > > > Wednesday: > > > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on > > > the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth > > > back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in > > > both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't > > > try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in > > > the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, > > > insisting that my screams bothered other club > > > members. His voice is a little too perky for early > > > in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this > > > nasally whine that is VERY annoying. > > > My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce > > > put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would > > > anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity > > > rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it > > > would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said > > > some other shit too. > > > Thursday: > > > > Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth > > > exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in > > > a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour > > > late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. > > > Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he > > > was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He > > > sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on > > > the rowing machine - which I sank. > > > > Friday: > > > > I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being > > > has ever hated any other human being in the history > > > of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little > > > cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I > > > could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him > > > with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I > > > don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents > > > in the floor, don't hand me the &@#$ barbells or > > > anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I > > > am sure you learned in the sadist school you > > > attended and graduated magna cum laude from. The > > > treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and > > > nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone > > > softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? > > > > Saturday: > > > > Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his > > > grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show > > > up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the > > > machine with my planner. However, I lacked the > > > strength to even use the TV remote and ended up > > > catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&&&& Weather > > > Channel. > > > > Sunday: > > > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services > > > today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is > > > over. I will also pray that next year my husband > > > (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun > > > - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.