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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (22694)	2/28/2002 5:17:57 PM
From: Karen Lawrence	Respond to of 62549

Quotes: I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. - Jack Handy "One of the saddest days of my life was the day we put my Aunt Nettie in a rest home. But if it weren't for sad times like that, I couldn't have truly appreciated the good times - like taking her wallet while she was crying." - Donald J. Hunter "I remember when Dad got fired. Out of pride and shame, he didn't say anything, he'd just get up each morning as normal and leave the house. This went on for weeks and weeks. Then one day he heard that Mom was planning a visit to his office, so he sneaked into the office and pretended to be hard at work. When Mom got there, the first thing she said was: 'Hey, I thought I fired you.'" - Paul Hancox Red squirrels ... you don't see many of them since they became extinct." - Michael Aspel, British Radio 2 "Every minute was more exciting than the next." - actress Linda Evans, during an on-camera interview about the "Night of 100 Stars" party Have you seen that cute commercial for McDonald's with the kid and his daddy? The little kid "graduates" from a Happy Meal to a Big Mac. Isn't that sweet? Later, when they're older they can go into the hospital together for angioplasty. -Jay Leno Fat people don't think like thin people. Did you ever go up to a fat person on the street and ask them where something is? They tell you-- like this is where the difference really shows-- "Well, go down there to Arby's, go right past Wendy's, McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, and Kentucky Fired Chicken. It's the chocolate brown building." -Roseanne "Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me." - Rodney Dangerfield "What makes me tick? I don't know, but the noise is driving me nuts." - Michael Hayward "My parents sent my brother through law school. He graduated. Now he's suing them for wasting seven years of his life." - Mike Binder "Gentlemen, I have nothing to say. Any questions?" - hockey player Phil Watson to reporters "I went on a diet - had to go on two diets at the same time 'cause one diet wasn't giving me enough food." -Barry Marter "The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Wright "There's no textbook on judgment. I might make one or two other [mistakes] but it will certainly be with great forethought." - Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C. "Ladies and gentleman, and now Mr. Eddie Playbody will pee for you." - announcer, introducing banjoist Eddie Peabody "There's no connection between their lobbying work and the money they contribute." - Rick Evans, chief of staff for Senator Dave Durenberger, when asked if there was any problem with lobbyists paying the senator's bills, as quoted in the Washington Monthly "The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other." - former vice president Dan Quayle