HENNY YOUNGMAN FAVORITES
a.. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!
b.. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a
week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes
Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
c.. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.
d.. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
e.. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
f.. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
g.. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called
it the Dead Sea.
h.. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.
i.. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.
j.. I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
k.. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so he gave him another six months.
l.. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
m.. The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I
tell you?"
n.. A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how
do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
o.. Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man
get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little
dinner...."
p.. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought
here for drinking. The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
q.. The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
r.. I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett and her dressing room was next to
mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
s.. I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
t.. A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He
said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
u.. A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You
should force yourself!" Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all
week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
v.. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I
let her out.
w.. I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little
inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!
x.. My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
y.. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
z.. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
aa.. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
ab.. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
ac.. 2 Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in
Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
ad.. A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman
says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over."
The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How
can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
ae.. A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz,
Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr.
Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr.
Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk
to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr.
Schwartz." "Speaking."
af.. A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put
my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the
man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you
have a nice house!"
ag.. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.
ah.. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of
work he's out of. |
