friday funnies...plan B
got my home work done in time so i'll post them now ;-)
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws and throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them."
stoopid joke of the week...
Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly "was
a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he
noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and shouted, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
Seinfeld Wisdom:
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? "Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living plants? Why restrict it to plants? Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said:
If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another. Tuck your chin in.
The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
Do not panic.
After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles.
Do not panic.
The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
Be sure you have your knife.
Be sure your knife is sharp.
It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor. After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child." "Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
Top Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires
"Safer than a Russian sub."
"The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."
"Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."
"Better than driving around on your axles, right?"
"Pop a set on your car today."
"C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?"
"Reinforcing the importance of speed limits."
"Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."
"You can't recall a better tire."
"Look out for #1 and don't step in #2." - Forrest Gump
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. -Evan Esar
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid, and bring so much
happiness, just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've
provided. Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! (When I'm an
old lady and live with my kids)
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues, and I'll bounce on
the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then
leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things
like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake
their head, and when that is done, I'll hide under the bed! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat, I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when they get angry. I'll run. if I'm able! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click, I'll cross
both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw
one away, and play in the mud till the end of the day! (When I'm an old
lady and live with my kids)
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and
then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping
and say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
Hug and Kiss All Moms and Grandma's Everywhere while you still can!
and finally...if easily offended please click to the next post...
Tired of all those smiley faces :-)
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have a romantic weekend...
good fortune...
pops
edited and compiled Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002 |
