friday funnies...
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. ~ Michael Evans
You Know You're From Pennsylvania When.....
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Erie for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as deer meat, fish, and berries.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how
to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Derby
store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You think lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
construction
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Driving Rules.....
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects
it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want
your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to scare people entering the highway.
9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over, doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
12. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by
whatever means necessary.
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useless facts...
The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.
It takes only seven muscles to smile compared to thirty-three muscles to frown.
The fragrance of flowers is due to the essences of oil which they produce.
Fanta Orange is the third largest selling soft drink in the world.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
The longest Monopoly game in a bathtub was 99 hours long. (bathtub monoply? hmmm)
The bark of a redwood tree is fireproof. Fires that occur in a redwood forest take place inside the trees.
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Hillary Clinton is about to release a no-holds-barred, tell-all expose' of her years as the wife of the nations foremost womanizer. To please the Democratic National Committee she has agreed not to use her real name but will instead assume the pen-name "Sharon Peters."
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Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner -- first class all the way. The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away. One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead. Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned. gotcha!...lol
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A guy starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he makes love to her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says Let's stop up and see that guy. The other girl says, "Gee... do you think he'll remember us?"
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Osama bin Laden was kicking around some rubble left over
from the latest bombing, and found a copper jug with a wax
plug. He pried off the plug and out popped a female genie;
"How may I serve you, Master?" she inquired.
Osama was not impressed. "Don't need anything from a
female!" he said, churlishly.
"But Master, I MUST do SOMETHING for you, or I have to go
back into confinement! Please! Isn't there anything I can
get you?"
"All right!" snapped Osama churlishly, "Tomorrow morning, I
want to find three American women in bed with me, ready to
do what they do best! Now, get lost!"
"Your wish is my command!" said the genie (miffed), and
vanished.
The next morning when Osama woke up, he had Lorena Bobbit,
Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton in bed with him; his
penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no Medical
Insurance.
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and finally...
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
good fortune ...
pops
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