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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (24225)	7/30/2002 9:54:30 AM
From: Arthur Radley	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

You ask .."Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?" Maybe because we earthlings go into a restaurant, sit at a table that just had a family of two parents and four kids sitting there, and the table is a mess..food and other debris littered all over. The bus "person" comes over and attempts to "clean" the table with a dirty rag that has been used to clean God's knows what from other tables....and then places a glass or coffee cup at each sitting and how does he place the item....Yes! Rim down on the table just wiped with this dirty rag and where we will now place our mouth. And now the question...how many of us ever question this activity?

To: Barney who wrote (24225)	7/30/2002 9:11:31 PM
From: Arthur Radley	Respond to of 62550

Subject: LIFES RULES 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, everyone knows me here. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 8. I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"? 10. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,make Bloody Mary's. 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. 15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius...because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains." 18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning. 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 20. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: " Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."