friday funnies...
The Recession Is Hitting Everyone Hard, In The News This Week...
Paper company folds.
Brake company on the skids.
Bra manufacturers goes bust.
Surgeon who is forced to take a cut in salary.
Cigarette company goes up in smoke.
Baker is short of dough.
Refrigerator manufacturer has it's assets frozen.
Corset firm feels the squeeze.
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs.
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation.
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court.
Downfall of the bungee suppliers.
The train company that went off the rails.
The ship building company that sunk.
The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots.
Murphy's Rules of Sex
~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger
than them.
~ Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
~ Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man,
the women he couldn't.
~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
~ Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back
in the spring but don't say no.
~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
~ Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
~ Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the
other eight are unimportant.
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
`You dance and it makes the band skip.
`You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
`You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
`You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
`Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
`You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
`You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
`You could sell shade.
`Your blood type is Ragu.
`You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee. Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
stoopid stuff...
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. (say what?)
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!!!!!!! gotcha! haw haw
Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.
When she's in a good mood it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
Quotes From Sports Commentators...
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...
Susan was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to
strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman
reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Susan persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Susan asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Susan,
ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Susan dragged herself
to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was
what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know
my name was Katz?"
Top three things to say BEFORE having sex:
1. I love you (but only if you mean it)
2. You rock my world
3. Let's get ready to RUMBLE...
Top three things NOT to say before having sex:
1. Is this gunna hurt?
2. Sure....I've done this thousands of times...
3. Are you sure it's on there?
Top 3 things to say AFTER sex:
1. Are you sure this was you're first time?
2. Gotta cigarette?
3. Wanna do it again?
Top 3 things NOT to say after sex:
1. That was IT??
2. I think I hear my mom calling me ---- see ya
3. OOPS, the condom broke!
Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South
Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his
sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in
his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and
was electrocuted. ROTF
VALENTINE CARDS THAT DIDNT MAKE IT...
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk but the thing I like
best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class especially when I'm
spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'mfulfilled...
SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown... but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey... and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister...You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
and finally...
You Might be a "High Tech" Redneck...
If your e-mail address ends in "over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home" Page
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a
laptop."
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Firewall by Smith and Wesson."
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular
phone.
If your baseball cap read "IBM" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If you've ever used an AOL Installation CD as a coaster to set your
beer on.
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all!"
good fortune ...
pops
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002 |
