friday funnies...
stoopid joke of the week...
There was this guy who just got a new job as a school
bus driver for elementary school children. He thought
it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters
from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big
Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop,
there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened
the door and said, " Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What
is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.
Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little
girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your
name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.
At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little
boy. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver.
What is your name?" The woman piped up and said, "His
name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "He is
very, very special, so I want you to take extra good
care of him." The bus driver replied, "No problem." "He
can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him
really good in the mirror.
At the next stop, there was this little country boy
standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered
overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor
little boy had problems walking because of bunions all
over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus
driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My
name is Lester Cleese."
Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to
the schoolhouse, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later
that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day
on the new job was.
The man replied:
Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese
Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."
Responses If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved
about in that time-management course you sent me to."
"I was working smarter - not harder."
"Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
"Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
"I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key
was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or
at least my forehead."
"I'm in the management training program."
"I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise
Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar
you made me attend."
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when
I dreamed about work!"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people
who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured
out a solution to our biggest problem."
"Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact
lens without my hands."
"The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was
playing dead to avoid getting shot."
"Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...
Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive
fishing equipment, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility
vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot,
and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart
a fish. (Average cost per fish: $395.68)
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new."Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*(my apologies for this)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
**answer after the next joke...
one liners
A deaf fisherman is hard of herring...
A dentist married a manicurist. They keep fighting tooth and nail...
One good turn gets most of the blankets...
My ex-husband was temperamental: 90% temper and 10% mental...
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage it is self defence...
I don't give a shet, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food...
Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been grounded...
--------------------------
**answer to the previous joke...
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste." gotcha
-------------------------
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy"
"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her
arm to Tracy again saying,
"That doesn't smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?" ROTFLOL
and finally...
Wisdom Texas Style...
... Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco!
...Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
... If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look
back every now and then, to make sure it's still there.
... Never kick a cow pie on a hot day.
... There's two theories for arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
... If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
... Don't squat with your spurs on.
... It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
... Always drink upstream from the herd.
have a great weekend...i'm heading out early
good fortune ...
pops
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002 |
