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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Carragher who wrote (24458)	8/19/2002 9:28:26 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened." - Winston Churchill

To: John Carragher who wrote (24458)	8/19/2002 2:49:42 PM
From: Karen Lawrence	Respond to of 62552

More Jack Handey If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. - Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." - Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey Next Thanksgiving, here is a fun trick to play: When the mashed potatoes and turkey are being served, take some of both. But hide your turkey under your mashed potatoes. When your family asks "Don't you want some turkey?," pull the turkey out from under the mashed potatoes and yell "I tricked you!!" - Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. - Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey Probably the worst thing about having King Kong go rampid in your town would be the huge, monster genitalia. - Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. - Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do. - Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmmboy - Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers. - Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw f**k you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. - Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey