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Pastimes : My House -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Original Mad Dog who wrote (2409)	10/8/2002 7:33:14 PM
From: Lazarus_Long	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 7689

You are giving aid and comfort to the enemy. :-) To:Original Mad Dog who wrote (2398) From: E Tuesday, Oct 8, 2002 4:01 PM Respond to of 2409 That is TOO funny. I've just emailed it to a dozen people. To:Original Mad Dog who wrote (2398) From: Poet Tuesday, Oct 8, 2002 4:22 PM View Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2409 OMG, that was SO well-written. I wish the Onion would employ that writer. HEY THAMES! Read that link.

To: Original Mad Dog who wrote (2409)	10/8/2002 8:36:57 PM
From: Lazarus_Long	Respond to of 7689

I'm going to sue this guy for copyright infringement. Or patent infringement. Or something. I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST! You're my witness, OK? accessatlanta.com Liberals, report to re-education By JAY BOOKMAN Atlanta Journal-Constitution Columnist "We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed too," pundit Ann Coulter told this month's meeting of the Conservative Political Action Conference. "Otherwise they will turn out to be outright traitors." Appearing on Fox News a few days later, Coulter acknowledged the statement and bragged that it had been a "huge hit with the audience," an estimated 3,500 who turned out for the three-day conference in Arlington, Va., that bills itself as the nation's "premier annual gathering of conservatives." In addition to Coulter, attendees also heard luminaries such as Lynne Cheney, William Bennett and Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson. Now, I have to admit that the Coulter statements -- and the reception they apparently received from a mainstream conservative audience -- really shocked me. Until now, I had operated under the delusion that we liberals had something to add to the great debate that helps guide this country. I had no idea that only the fear of execution was keeping me in line. I'll even admit that at first, I thought Coulter must be wrong. I couldn't see how there were still enough liberals around to threaten national security. Then I remembered that more than half the voters in the 2000 election had voted for Al Gore, so I guess we do have a major problem. So, being a good liberal, I propose a new government program to address the problem. We could call it Liberal Intimidation And Re-education. All those Americans who voted for Gore, and yet still think of themselves as patriotic, would be asked to report immediately to LIAR camps. Of course -- and give me credit here, you can see I'm really trying to reform -- the camps would be privately run "charter camps." Some would also be faith-based programs, designed specifically to re-educate liberal Christians who have deluded themselves into believing that Jesus meant what he said about turning the other cheek, about not judging lest you be judged, about loving your neighbor and the dangers of hoarding wealth. In the camps we would be forced to read nothing but the Wall Street Journal editorial page and watch Fox News 24 hours a day. Every time an image of Bill Clinton showed up on our TV screens, we would get a jolt of electricity, so that in time we too would cringe whenever we saw the man, just as real Americans do. (An image of Hillary would of course draw double the voltage.) I'm actually looking forward to the experience, because I might get insight into some of the inner mysteries of conservative thought: Why is John Walker Lindh the embodiment of all America-hating liberalism, while Timothy McVeigh, the Oklahoma City bomber, was merely a deluded individual with no deeper meaning about conservatism? Why must welfare mothers be forced out of the home and into the work force, while middle-class mothers have to be forced out of the work force and back to the kitchen? How do gay Americans pose a threat to heterosexual families, and where is the secure, undisclosed location where they're keeping Tom DeLay's brain? I even have the perfect man to serve as camp commandant: John Ashcroft. It was Ashcroft, you'll remember, who told Congress that anyone who criticized his decisions was aiding terrorists. Clearly this is a man who already recognizes the danger; he deserves first crack at fixing it. And of course, just before graduation, as a test of our newfound loyalty, we former liberals would be required to volunteer to get lobotomies. That way, we would all emerge from the LIAR program exactly as smart as Ann Coulter. If not quite as vicious.