To: Knighty Tin who wrote (197099 ) 10/11/2002 2:26:36 PM From: JHP Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 436258 Japan deals us a royal flush by Beverly Beckham Friday, October 11, 2002 "NARA, Japan - Japan's toilet wars started in February, when Matsushita engineers here unveiled a toilet seat equipped with electrodes that send a mild electric charge through the user's buttocks, yielding a digital measurement of body-fat ratio.'' This was the lead sentence in a story that ran on Page 4 of The New York Times Tuesday. Plagued by war, death, pestilence and the resurrection of the radical Black Panthers, there was this one-of-these-things-is-not-like-the-other headline: ``Japanese Masters Get Closer to the Toilet Nirvana.'' If Nirvana exists it may indeed be found not under the Waikiki stars but in an ordinary Japanese bathroom. In a land full of raw fish and tofu, green tea as thick as pea soup and sweets that aren't sweet at all, there is this one amazing thing: Japanese toilets. They do everything but take you out to dinner. OK, so what can a toilet actually do, besides decide not to flush during a dinner party? Most toilets, let's face it, have really just one design and one purpose and the only choices you get are shapes: squat or lean, and colors: beige, white, pink or, God forbid, black. In Japan, however, toilets are like Disney creations. They have personalities. Some actually greet you when you open the door. For real. You turn a knob, flip on a light and the toilet seat automatically lifts up like a dog so happy to greet you. And toilet seats in Japan are equipped with heaters that can be adjusted. Too cold, my dear? Too hot? Not to fret. In this country everyone gets to be a Goldilocks and have her seat be just right. Japanese toilets also wash and dry whatever a person might choose to have washed and dried, sort of like a laundry. And, get this, some Japanese toilets sing. Some tweet like birds. Some jingle like chimes. Some even sound like a traditional Japanese harp. I was in Japan last March and I hate to admit this but I sought out bathrooms the way I seek out bakeries in France. And just like with the bakeries, I never found one I didn't like. Tokyo had the best toilets. In Tokyo my toilet saluted and sang and warmed to the perfect temperature and practically tap-danced for me. I wanted to take it home. We visited temples and museums, and we saw Mount Fuji and we toured the city that was the setting for ``Memoirs of a Geisha.'' But the Space Mountain of Japan is definitely its toilets. And, reports the Times, these toilets are about to get better. Talking toilets will be on the market in two years. ``So how was your day?'' a toilet might say. ``Sit down and relax and let me take care of you.'' And the seat will warm and music will play. And the toilet will react to your commands. ``It really is not difficult to make it responsive to a human voice,'' says Ryosuke Hayashi, manager of product engineering for Toto (as in ``I think we're not in Kansas anymore''), Japan's biggest toilet-maker. ``If you tell the machine, `I want hotter water,' or `I want stronger spray pressure,' the machine will automatically respond.'' I want one of these toilets. They will also be able to preheat or precool a bathroom. (Could we train it to preheat the oven, too?) And (this is the bad news) measure weight, fat, blood pressure, heartbeat and glucose level. I'll pass on this. But everything else - the greeting, the heating, the singing and spritzing - bring it all on, please. In white, for toilet Nirvana. -- Talk back to Beverly Beckham at bevbeckham@aol.com