THAT DOESN'T COUNT -- (Up-Tempo Girl-Group Pop-Tune Parody)
The characters:
HEATHER--ditzy, clueless Valley girl, bleating TV-fed sheep
PAIGE--very together, straight-A student, well-informed individualist
Structure: Spoken word performances with music under followed by
semi-sung call-and-response segments followed by sung refrain;
that sequence repeated through four acts; Act V finishes with
spoken word, then refrain slowly crescendoing out.
The spoken word parts should be conversational, and the call and
response parts quick and catty; teenage girls will know how to do
this. Punctuation always implies pacing, as with rests in musical
notation: comma, semi-colon, colon, full-stop, ellipsis--each one
longer than the previous.
ACT I
SPOKEN WORD (music under throughout)
HEATHER: Hey, Paige, is this election like totally boring or what?
PAIGE: I find it fascinating. It's like something out of Rome.
HEATHER: Rome? That is like so ancient history...!
PAIGE: (dryly) Yes, Heather. It is.
HEATHER: WhatEVER. Besides, it's SO not fair!
PAIGE: What's not fair?
HEATHER: That they're not, like, counting all the votes and stuff.
CALL AND RESPONSE
PAIGE: But Gore LOST the first recount
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: And he lost the SECOND recount
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: He's lost every OTHER recount
HEATHER: That doesn't count
REFRAIN (TOGETHER)
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
ACT II
SPOKEN WORD (music under throughout)
HEATHER: Gosh, Paige, you're like so partisan and stuff.
PAIGE: No, I'm not.
HEATHER: And you're so bristly and angry. It's like you're
jumping down my throat.
PAIGE: No, I'm not.
HEATHER: I mean, it's like you're against fairness or something.
PAIGE: No, Heather, I'm not.
HEATHER: I mean, like, every vote must be counted, right?
CALL AND RESPONSE
PAIGE: But non-citizens voted
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: But criminals voted
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: But DEAD people voted
HEATHER: That doesn't count
REFRAIN (TOGETHER)
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
ACT III
SPOKEN WORD (music under throughout)
HEATHER: Oh, c'mon, Paige! Where are you GETTING this stuff?
PAIGE: That's guilt by association.
HEATHER: But surely you can't be all worked up like this.
PAIGE: Heather, I am deadly serious.
HEATHER: Have you thought about maybe seeing a shrink?
PAIGE: Oh, so now I'm crazy, am I?
HEATHER: Calm DOWN! It's just a silly recount.
CALL AND RESPONSE
PAIGE: But they only counted democrats
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: And they tried to block the soldiers
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: And they tried to toss the mail ballots
HEATHER: That doesn't count
REFRAIN (TOGETHER)
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
ACT IV
SPOKEN WORD (music under throughout)
HEATHER: Well, Paige, I guess we'll never know who won, will we?
PAIGE: Bush won.
HEATHER: I mean, until we count EVERY ballot, we just can't know,
can we?
PAIGE: Bush won.
HEATHER: And there's always that nagging question about the
popular vote...
PAIGE: Heather, George W. Bush won this election.
HEATHER: That's just, like, you know, YOUR opinion!
CALL AND RESPONSE
PAIGE: But... Gore LOST the election
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: And he LOST in all the trial courts
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: And he LOST at the Supreme Court
HEATHER: That doesn't count
REFRAIN (TOGETHER)
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
ACT V
SPOKEN WORD (music under throughout)
HEATHER: (sing-song ranting) Besides, Gore won in the Florida
Supreme Court, and that's the only court that really matters,
because this is America and we believe in State's Rights, except
for stuff like abortion and school prayer and vouchers and speed
limits and plumbing fixtures and stuff. Anyway, I don't care WHAT
you say. My president is Al Gore.
PAIGE: ...My president is Charlton Heston.
HEATHER: That doesn't count!
REFRAIN (TOGETHER)
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count...
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