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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Ian@SI who wrote (26140)	1/8/2003 12:26:30 PM
From: Carolyn	Respond to of 62558

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator: "This is Gregori Ava from Bulgaria.... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious." Terry Venables: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces." Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew. Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." US TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

To: Ian@SI who wrote (26140)	1/8/2003 5:31:59 PM
From: Knighty Tin	Respond to of 62558

To those of you in the cockpit, Happy Ramadan.

To: Ian@SI who wrote (26140)	1/8/2003 8:58:29 PM
From: Tomato	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." Curious, he rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

To: Ian@SI who wrote (26140)	1/9/2003 10:40:52 PM
From: Ron	Respond to of 62558

Some Things to Ponder this New Year > > 1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; > teach that person to use the Internet and they won't > bother you for weeks. > > 2. Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good > for anything, but you still can't help but smile when > you see one tumble down the >stairs. > > 3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. > I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to > happen." > > 4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying > in hospitals dying of nothing. > > 5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. > Every table had an argument going on. > > 6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder > these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they > used to? > > 7. According to a recent survey, men say the first > thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and > women say the first thing they notice about men is > they're a bunch of liars. > > 8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. > > 9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It > pays no attention to criticism. > > 10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs > you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut > saves you thirty cents? > > 11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world > weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac > to make it normal. > > 12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest > profession. I have come to realize that it bears a > very close resemblance to the first. > > 13. There is a theory which states that if ever > anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and > why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be > replaced by something even more bizarre and > inexplicable. There is another theory which states > that this has already happened. > > 14. How is it one careless match can start a forest > fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a > campfire? > > 15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them > came here legally, but they hung around on these > expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, > compare that to Blockbuster; you're two days late with > a video and those people are all over you. Let's put > Blockbuster in charge of immigration. > >